November

This is the month of travel for me, so I don't know how much work I'll be able to get done in November. Kinda a sad thought when I realize that December/Holiday/ gift season is almost upon us.

So I will post you a photo of some of the work that's been fun to create.
"Classic Stories" series

Can you guess all the stories that inspired these pieces? This is the game: Comment on the blog with your guesses (left to right, top to bottom) and whoever guesses 7 correctly first will win a package of 4 "Wild Horses" notecards from me. :) Happy guessing!

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Not that I want to talk about my most recent mini-upheaval, but it got that song stuck in my head.
"...time may change me, but I can't change time." blah.

Anyway. update. I'm still alive. New powercord for laptop recieved :-D
Finished pieces titles in the story series: South of Soledad, Piggy's Price, Into the Wood, Tea Party, Carol & Max, Giant Joust (& 6by6 Kerouac Dreams & Friendship-reserved), Comforting, Pouple du Nemo, Don't Panic, 8x10 Lamppost

Next in queue: Jack the Thief, Off to the Festival, With Ketschup

I never could get an image I liked that was specific enough to be "Mrs. Husdon's tenants" in the color scheme I'm thinking. It'll come to me eventually.

Titles and work

I'm not going to take the time to write this entry for you, today this is for me so that maybe I can go back to having a productive day.

Finished pieces titles: South of Soledad, Piggy's Price, Into the Wood, Tea Party, Carol & Max, Giant Joust (& 6by6 Kerouac Dreams)

Piece in Progress: Friendship (requested piece), Poulpe du Nemo, Don't Panic (HHGTTG), Mrs. Hudson's Tenants, Jack the Thief

The title of a piece is helpful, but it's the work itself that should speak volumes.

Have many canvases started but due to yesterday's super high humidity I had to wait (and ran out of patience) for them to dry. I have my version of the requested piece sketched out... at least I got that doen while paint dried. I use the phrase "requested" instead of "commissioned" because 1) I haven't taken a cent in payment yet 2)I'm stubborn and going to paint what I see/sketched instead of what they described. It's all the same sentiment, but they see their image in color instead of the monochrome that I'm trying to keep to with this group... and their precise image only works in full color. If tehy don't like it *shrug* I will put it up online for sale or it will become my baby cousin's Christmas gift. When I can see a piece as clearly as this in my mind I am less stressed about it's marketability.

Oh... and the world is crazy... me feeling crazy is just simply me being slightly overwhelmed with the abundance all around me :)

compliment

A fellow artist gave me the warmest compliment about my writing stylel I have ever recieved as we rode the elevator down out of the studios.
The problem? I don't think it's my posts/blog that he could have been referring to! At the time I was too touched by the warmness of the compliment from this true gentleman to be able to seek clarification.

Thank you Richard, even if the compliment wasn't mine to hear, it warmed my heart!

size and scale

So I haven't posted in a while... Did you read the title and description of my blog? Yeah, that pretty much sums up the why. Well, that and my laptop completely died over the summer and didn't get replaced immediately. This new laptop has a year full warrantee... *knocks on wood*

I don't have my camera with me, but I am really excited with the last two little paintings I did and the one I'm working on today. Today is one of those days where my hands are shaky as all hell but I'm working anyway... I couldn't fall asleep right away last night because I had the idea dancing around in my head so I must work on it some today... I just keep taking a ton of breaks.

Working on 6 x6 (or smaller) canvases are a lot of fun while they are physically challenging as well. I find that every stroke counts more the smaller the canvas... but somehow it feels more intimate too. Maybe it's because of the subject matter that ends up on the smaller canvases I paint or maybe because of the restrictions from the size, I don't know ...
The terrible downside to smaller works is that, obviously, they are smaller. They can not thrive well on a large space alone. They get lost in the sea of white (or beige or ecru) that are so prominent in our homes, offices and work places. They are visible in these large overlooked and underused spaces much the same way a blaze orange parking cone is seen in an empty parking lot. We have  a hard time deciding whether we want our attention drawn to such a spot... it's interesting and all but for some reason it's surprise draws a curiousity that we don't feel the desire to sustain.

But... I'm working on 5 by 5 inch canvases this week. Days before the most publicized art weekend of the year here in Lowell. http://lowellopenstudios.org/ I know that the likelihood of these pieces selling this weekend, because of their small scale, is next to nil (and I really REALLY need artwork to sell so I can purchase more supplies at the very least!!!) but I can't help myself. The ideas are there dancing waltzes in my mind and very specifically want to be small scale. And for far they look fantastic this size! It's like a beautiful well behaved child asking for chocolate milk with their lunch... there are better options sure, but I find myself pouring the chocolate milk because it feels right.

There was an article emailed to me a while ago titled "Steal like an Artist"... meaning inspiration. That's how this latest batch came about. A friend is doing a book series of oil paintings right now and we've been talking about that a bunch... so I have books on the brain... but what and how she is doing things with books is very different than what I'm doing with acrylics and these tiny canvasses. I'm sorry, but I don't feel like being more specific about her work. It's incredible but I'm not willing to cut short her time as the "only artist doing this now". I will share after she completes "my" book painting.

Okay... enough resting... time to see if my hands will quit shaking long enough to finish. This third 5 by 5 is titled "Tea Party." #2 is titled "Into the Woods" #1 is "South of Soledad"

First person to comment with the correct books reflected in my current paintings will get a gift. Promise. But you must COMMENT to the blog, not email me.

August

Suppose I should update and say that while I'm registered for Lowell Open Studios, uploaded an image and will be on the map, I do not have a artist bio/description up.

And the little man is chasing around the cat while I rest in bed trying to will away whatever is going on in my gut.
Seriously starting to think I ate something bad days ago because it's taking days to get any better.

Open Studios this Saturday noon- 5pm. If you're in the Lowell, MA area please stop by Western Avenue Studios. The studios has had a lot of internal movement over the summer and some lovely new artists have moved in as well. It's still summer, and with all the moving around some things aren't in their "finished stages" but it's a great place to visit, and on Open Studios there is bound to be free candy & snacks if you visit every floor!

And tomorrow's to-do list includes mopping the studio floor... because I let my son paint with matchbox cars again today. Best busy activity ever!

Oh dear... the painful part

For me personally, the most painful part of self-promotion is describing my work or my style. Really, I still truly fail at describing my artistic style. No... really... I stammer worse than when I was in seventh grade when I try to describe my own work. And now... I have to register for Lowell Open Studios...
This is good, because it's not only participation, but promotion and getting my work out there. The catch (other than the registration fee) besides having to be in the studio for two consecutive afternoons (October 1 & 2) is that I have to write my own "PR snippet"or as they would call it "artists statement for PR purposes." Whatever. Regardless 1) I don't know which person everyone else has written theirs from (1st or 3rd). 2) I suck at it. 3) If it was suppose to be more than 2 sentences than f*ck it.

Here is what I put... after WAAAAAY too much hemming and hawing. "Works of various media with heavy emphasis on animals and nature. Bold images meant to express both grace and whimsy. " I can always edit it. But yeah... I really can't do justice describing my friends' works & styles... writing about my own in a professional manner is painful.

So... if you have any suggestions PLEASE I'm really interested. How would you describe my artwork? or my artistic style?

Humid Tuesday

The exhaustion made me punchy last night (I laughed the best maniacal evil laugh ever, by accident, in that state last night.) Today isn't much better. The humidity melted my brain. I've tried and failed at reordering my business cards thrice, fallen out of my chair... yeah my coordination has been off ever since my surgery but today is just crazy. Not a day to paint... but I somehow thought I could get something creative accomplished. nope. maybe if I find the energy to go back home (we have central air! yay!) something will get done.

I think my flames piece will look awesome as my business card. Psyched about it... if I can only trick my computer into properly uploading the image. The laptop doesn't like this heat much either.

Today would not be the day to be doing pottery. Thank goodness I didn't jump into that with both feet... I considered doing so 7 months ago, there's just something so soothing about clay (even if my skin disagrees) but alas, I did a few monetary calculations and decided against it.

Enough of this crap...
(in my best Cartman voice) "Screw you guys.... I'm going home"

It's just been one of those days

I've been tired all day, wanting to create art but exhausted.

When I finally got home at 8pm, the next 15 minutes went in this order:
unpack the backpack, ran a bath for my son, switched the laundry, helped son into tub, loaded washer, helped child out of tub to the potty, cleaned potty, washed hands, hung wet laundry to dry, dried up the floor from child's wet feet, plugged in the computer, fed the cat, poured myself a drink

A positive aside

I DID find the sketchbook the full jaguar is in. I even still know where it is at this very moment (here at home!)

I did blow up last night but at least it means I'm completely out of denial now.
I'm not mad at myself, I'm frustrated with world circumstances. This is a very important place to be working from.

"flames" is almost complete. Still deciding on leaving it as is or lining it.

the cardinal piece is good so far. once I figure out what it's missing (like definitively which season I want it to be) I'll move forward some more.

3 more project ideas already planned.
(the DMN inspired, hypno-toad inspired piece should be fun to make once I have the time to gather all the materials. long but FUN project to look forward to.)
("mad to live" - kerouac inspired mini piece will be a challenge but I have a VERY clear idea what and how to do what I imagine so it's all good.)
(I don't know if I'll get the coloring book made and assembled by the next event. Finding my missing 4 by 6 artworks would go a LONG way forward in that project, but alas, the bullfrog, honu, dragon, chicken, butterfly and baby jaguar are ALL still missing. The jaguar is the only one of those that had been properly scanned. :(

Even with my punctured foot, round one breaking in the gold heels went with little pain.

My car is still running and the brakes aren't screaming loud for now.

My son is asleep. He's chosen to sleep on his floor tonight, but he's sleeping well (unlike the rest of us).

I have plans to go out once a week for the next 3 weeks. This gives me something to look forward to. (even if it means I might have to be creative in avoidance if the 'musician' who was sizing Heather and I up is back there.)

Cowboys and Aliens comes out this month! (the 29th) Pick on me all you want for that. But really, I'm a huge Harrison Ford fan and Daniel Craig... well Daniel Craig is just damn fine to look at. It's got to be more entertaining than Frantic, right? Seriously, as long as it has a better ending than that movie how can I not want to go? mmm....

Okay, and now that I'm smiling that stupid girly smile, it's really time for bed.

Forgiving is not forgetting

I wrote out a whole post before realizing it was a lot more... sad... than I'm comfortable with.

The gist of it that I do want to put out there is this: Too many of us have similar bad experiences that shape us to be going about our lives feeling so damned and damned alone. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Neither is absolving the assholes that we put our trust in only to have it blow up in our faces.

My recent rollercoasters, both medical and not, have only reminded me of all the times I've been told I'm lying when I was telling the truth because, simply, "She'd never do that." "Oh that couldn't have happened." or (thanks Mom) "What were you doing that caused that? It doesn't just happen." Seriously people, true jerks and people who get off making other people miserable are all over.

And either you're a part of a solution or you're a part of the problem. I've survived a hell of a lot and I'll survive the next round coming my way... unfortunately sometimes the solution is just forgiving and moving on the best you can, painful scars and all.

wow

Seriously, I am not enjoying the rollercoaster ride I've been on since waking today.... but the damn invisible carney doesn't care that I want to bawl my eyes out, he's not stopping the ride. Apparently it's the thyroid faerie's job to fray your nerves.

On the up side, I was able to paint today and made much progress on that front. On the down side,  I've been erratic all day while in a place of people I will see on a fairly regular basis.

So I have to focus on the positives.
And when life hands you lemons...
find the tequila and salt!

Life is crazy... enjoy the ride

Really, that sums up the past week of my life pretty well. I've had enough ups and downs, still going through enough of them, to know that if you don't take the opportunities when they arise, if you miss what's around you when it's there, you miss the point of living.

The quote from Ferris Buehler's Day Off is going through my head.
"If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Some things are just timeless. :)

Due to my lack of motivation/ unclear vision for the next canvas, I am tempted to make this my day in Boston sketching instead of tomorrow. grr. And my motivation to go to studio to have a screaming monkey war (woot sold them for $1 months back so we have one) is sunk because the other artist with one is on vacation at the moment...


I finally figured out how it is that I am racking up all this time "off-leash". My husband is about to be occupied for 3 weekends in a row and is going to pick up another reffing position this fall... after I directly asked him to choose football or rollerderby, but please for the love of god don't do both! So... the upside... I apparently can go out 80% of the Wednesday nights that I want to AND nothing is going to be said against me going to NY whatever weekend events (mostly family) arise as long as my son comes with me. 


Why does "home" feel more like home when my parents are in Florida? Seriously, this weekend wouldn't have been so chill had they been in the same state. I love my parents, but me going out on Friday nights still doesn't fly with them.... much less me crashing at a friend's place. 


So now I am home home, procrastinating, looking beside my laptop to an adorable sleeping kitty . I am very happy with the relaxing events of the past week and have my new schedule for ambitions for art... another 8 projects in 8 weeks goal... though I'm going to cheat slightly and include the cardinal that I've started  in the 8 :-)  Now... time to go to work in earnest.

Reset Button

I think the past week has been about me hitting the reset button...
I'm just a little slow in realizing that only now.

The surgery put my body into a chemical reboot. Let me tell you - THAT can be quite the silent, invisible roller-coaster! There comes a downside to being kinetically self-aware... you're impatient with changes because you're ultimately a little more aware of the process than others are. Insomnia then lethargy then a manic day... wasn't quite so fun but luckily the pendulum has lost momentum.

I've (understandably) been tensed, wound-up and feeling isolated since my surgery. My energy and physical restrictions while in recovery had me home a bit too much... cabin fever can happen anytime, even in sunny June!  So.. now that I'm a bit better time to be the real me and do something to solve the problem!

Accomplish things, find a center, spend time with people. (and clean what you can). It's helped.
Had I not lost the sketch book, I got some ideas down & worked through. I got the first of a flame painting series done while waiting in my studio for the electrician.

I got out of my cluttered apartment and my dusty studio, both of which make me feel guilty for doing anything over cleaning, and went into Boston for an afternoon. I had hoped one of my friends in the city would be available for dinner at the Oyster House, but settled for catching up with one for a few hours and walking around for a long time instead. Lonely and tense? Swapping backrubs with a buddy you haven't seen in almost a year while you watch Futurama is not a bad plan of attack. Left alone in the late afternoon and too self-conscious to go eat dinner alone? The Boston Harbor Walk is not a bad place to spend some of that rare treat of not being directly responsible for everyone else's dinner. Sitting beside the harbor, the sea air and steady ambient sounds, more details to discern with every minute, it was VERY good for the soul. The only small downside was that I had neither sketchbook nor notepad with me. Next time I will go better prepared.
That walk from the Aquarium to Battery Wharf and back to Lewis Wharf, with warm clear air and a gentle sea breeze... is something I highly recommend.

Spending time with people... the most difficult part for me to arrange... worked out well. Wednesday nights are not the easiest for me to get away from the house, BUT it happens to be the night that a group of artists is all but guaranteed to be out in Lowell. For many reasons I'm not comfortable going out to places at night all alone. Sometimes men can be dangerous assholes. Often if I'm alone that person whom everyone is avoiding will latch on to me at the same moment my meal/drink/requested song arrives. Or, because I  am less comfortable in my own skin than I used to be, I will be without any conversation the entire time I'm at a bar/club. So I have copped out to only going places where I already know at least one person there or have been invited by someone performing.

Artists are as interesting and layered as their art. This makes friends who are artists especially fun in my world. Even my very quiet low-key girls I grew up with. There are those who's sight reaches only as far as the end of their arms, unaware of what is blatantly obvious to everyone else. Others have the quiet cunning instincts of the ever-vigilant Magpie, seeing even the tiniest glints here and there, catching the words between the words. Those who pay attention to detail wherever they are as gathering experiences for a portfolio to be able to pull out of their pocket decades from now. Artists are adults, children, crazy and very human. It was good to be a part of a group for a while. Great to be able to have conversations informally over music. Nice to be able to people watch in the lulls but not have that be the bulk of the evening. Refreshing to laugh, truly laugh. Funny to be loudly bantering over nothing in the middle of the night because apparently your comment brings to mind a song that they think you really must go hear at that moment. A perfect night to walk around in every way.

Stop Making Me Share!

I was reminded again tonight why I need a studio/ can not do anything artistic at home:

My son doesn't register personal space when he's interested in what I'm doing, and, more hindering is that he wants me to share whatever supplies I'm using at the moment, at that moment.

As I'm sure you've gathered, I am not a great example of patience...
so the annoyance  of leaning on my drawing arm AS I'M DRAWING is NOT quelled by the sweet "I love that Mama, now my turn."

Once he's in bed, it's all cute and all, but seriously, trying to hash out an idea at home to make studio time more productive isn't as productive as it should be!

... of course... I have to share my studio too... which isn't perfect either... but there the price is right!

PMI

Whenever we were stuck for thoughts or didn't want to speak in class, one of my teachers I considered a mentor use to make us do "PMIs". Plus, Minus & Interesting.

Plus: I am grateful that my migraines have disappeared with the removal of my thyroid. (I've had headaches since, but a full month migraine free! *happy dance*)

Minus: Neighbors upstairs have woke me at 530am (with the non-rhythmic thunder of what we can only assume is their great dane mix scrambling after some toy for 30 minutes...)

Interesting: Having my living area actually clean (paid a teen to help out yesterday.) has really disappated much of my stress. My bedroom is the only mess left... and it's horribly messy... but as long as I stay clear of my bedroom I feel much less tension.

okay... I have 2 more minutes to spend before lunch is ready so here's an artistic one:

Plus: I've spent 20 minutes sketching today.

Minus: I decided to practice cartoonish people... which I'm NOT good at.

Interesting: I still have my "artist's block" today too. Apparently cartoon people is my default thought.

Still Alive... and annoyed. (so this is a rant)

Another day, another scar.
Since my last post I've had my thyroid removed. I have a wonderful ENT surgeon who was more concerned with decreasing my existing scar at the site than I was about the appearance of my scars en total. This, is an awesome thing. It means not only did he make sure I was overly aware of all the risks and what surgery means and how it changes my life, but he took care to do the least harm and best job possible.

I am more physically restricted than he prepares one for, but having had a smaller surgery at basically the same site I had a better idea than he did of what my level of restriction/lift restriction/ range of motion would be.

As a mother, it's difficult to be patient with my body as it heals. I really want my apartment clean and heaven knows my husband ain't gonna clean it. I want to play and wrestle on the floor and teach my boy t-ball... and I can't do that really yet either. I start to offer piggyback rides every other day only to remember that I can't... I have to turn down some of my son's overzealous hugs/attacks/silliness/games.

As an artist, the readjustment that my body is going through chemically is draining. I'm tired a lot and can't envision projects at the moment. Not my usual "ADD struggling to keep the vision in my head long enough to get it all down" battle with myself that I'm used to, but more of something akin to writer's block with a touch of apathy. Apathy sucks.

As a person, most medical battles really suck. It is tough from a medical side sometimes, sifting through the info, making time to go have bloodwork drawn or go to appointments, but having to battle other people is a ridiculous add-on. When you want to play something down people say stupid shit that they wouldn't say if they knew the whole story. When you tell people the whole story they act pitiful and either make you feel bad that you told them because they are now sad or you get angry because you don't want pity you simply didn't want them to say the same stupid thing you've heard 10 times already.

Yes people, you kinda need a thyroid. When you have it removed you take a daily pharmaceutical replacement. It's not really that foreign of a concept in this day and age! When you ask me "Did it HAVE to be removed?" and you're over the age of 20 I'm going to assume you're an idiot. You wouldn't have an organ that helps regulate your entire body removed if there wasn't a problem. No matter how long I've known a person, if they ask me that particular question I am assuming that they have a low IQ and somehow got to this point of their lives based on their looks or giving great sexual favors. I understand people's curiosity, really I do, but PLEASE take a note from your kids. Kids about 10 years old are more likely to ask me well worded relevant questions than the adults.
The question isn't "It wasn't cancerous, was it?". The question is "Why did you have it removed?"
The question isn't "Did it hurt?", the question is "Does it still hurt?"
Don't ask me "Was there another way?" Ask me "How long did you know about it before surgery?"
Dear Lord, stop saying "Well, at least you don't live alone!" and listen to the kids who say "I guess your son has to pick up his own toys now, huh?" (and by the way, he still doesn't half the time, but he's only 3.)
When I tell you I have a 5 pound lift restriction, be smart enough to realize I live with a child who weighs 6 times that before thinking I am back to doing everything.
If you ask me if it was cancerous and I say yes, don't look panic stricken like I'm gonna drop dead at any moment.
If you ask me if it was cancerous and I say no, don't then pretend I didn't have surgery at all and suddenly am feigning my limitations.
When I tell you, in truth, that one or two tiny goiters are very common, but I had 9 large ones, don't tell me "Oh that can't be right." (Apparently, somehow, if I had had 9 everyone in the world would've heard about it, so I had to be lying.)


This reminds me very much of another situation people are stupid about - learning about a person's miscarriage. I hear other people say things and I just want to take them aside and say "Did you hear what you just said to her?!?!" Seriously, how is telling someone "It wasn't meant to be" suppose to be helpful? Or worse, "You can always try again." Really people? You're basically telling this person that whatever they are going through at the moment doesn't matter. Not only that, but trying again doesn't ensure that poor person doesn't go through heartache and physical mess again. I hear less common, VERY wrong things being said too... but I am astounded by the most common idiot things society seems to breed.
There is no need for the shit that we say to people in uncomfortable situations. (I say stupid things when a person's parent is in the hospital - so I'm not without fault.) Really all we need to say, 90% of the time is "That sucks that you're going through that right now. I hope things get better." And, if you truly have time and will follow through (ONLY if you have time and will follow through) "Is there anything I can do for you that is helpful?"

Oh, and the next person who asks me if (or worse, when) I'm going to have a second child should really REALLY watch out. First, I JUST HAD SURGERY YOU DUMB F*&(^%. Second, unless you're my son's grandparents, it is absolutely 100% NONE of YOUR BUSINESS! How did asking a woman if she's going to have more children become as common a topic as the weather?!?!
It is rude to be asked that question:
-by anyone within a month of having major surgery
-by someone you haven't seen in 6 years, within the first 2 minutes of talking to them
-by an elderly lady you don't know
-by your son's friend's mother who also has only one child
-by your neighbor, who you already gave an honest answer to, twice, last month
- by someone you grew up with, chat with occasionally online but haven't actually seen in over a decade.
And here's some more that haven't happened in the past 7 days:
-by anyone who doesn't know your full name
-by anyone you haven't physically seen in over a decade
-by anyone too old to be your older brother/sister
-by anyone you've already answered that question for within the last 2 years (this includes parents)

Sold!

I sold a piece this past Saturday during Open Studios! yay!
A 8 by 14 print of my Magpie watercolor. WooHoo! Hooray for Mother's Day gift giving for a change! (He bought it for his grandmother :-) Which amuses me)

This is a scan of the image that was bought.

Just in case you're curious, it's annoying to try and paint iridescent feathers with watercolor!

So after that very "mommy" post I must, for my own good, post SOMETHING art related...
and if it's going to be art related it might as well be related to MY OWN ART!

So, please let me know what you think of the following watercolor.
I think the few people in my life who have seen it see me in person too often to tell me when they don't like my work (and other than my husband, they don't know how much I appreciate truth over accolades). So - you out there - yes, YOU! Please leave me a comment about the watercolor. Thanks ~K

Oh no... not me too!

I started this blog specifically NOT to be a "mommy blog".
 Frankly, to be baldly honest, there are far too many out there.
The vast majority are written in language more befitting a private online journal than in any other fashion. There ARE wonderful gems out there, women (and men!) with wonderful written voices that take you into their lives in humorous and/or gut-wrenching imagery with which novels are made. I, however, honestly couldn't put my life, my motherhood, in eloquent terms. The heinous hair-pulling screaming my son has taken to when he's tired... I have no words to let another feel how bone-splitting it can be and how completely hollow I am after 10 minutes of it. I will never feel able to do justice to the wonderful humor, infectious laugh, innate coy looks.... all the wonderful joyous soulful things my child is and does that fortify me against the woes of my life as an adult and the onslaught of craziness that comes with parenthood. Those of you out there who can - bravo! Encore! You are wonderful and I hope you continue to water & feed your blog throughout your childrens' lives. The rest of you, who keep an open blog for the grandparents because somehow that's less work for you than writing them an email...
I hope you call your in-laws and parents. More over, I hope that when your children are old enough you let your children use the phone to talk to their grandparents, uncles, aunts etc etc. One of my greatest joys is in taking back my phone from my son when he has been talking with MY grandmother, only to have her repeat what he said (double-checking) and realize she understands his garbled, excited must-take-you-on-a-tour-of-my-house speech. My heart swells with pride for both of them at that moment.

Through this ridiculousness with our neighbor, my stress over my upcoming surgery, my heart-crushing mood drops, my son has done all he can to put off wearing underwear. His Pull-Ups have been more comfortable and he screams so strong for so long that it gives me a migraine when I've tried single-handed to force him. I say "single-handed" because honestly, even at only 30 pounds he's able to knock me off balance and contort himself incredibly against my adult self. Tonight I won... with a lot of help from my husband between his jobs. I physically CAN NOT hold my child while he screams for any length of time. I've tried, I've done it when he's crying in pain or fear, but I pay too high a price to do so for tantrums. (A migraine causing other pains and dry-heaves). So, after wrestling on his dinosaur underwear (with a hand from my husband) the screaming and stomping continued. Just when I was about to cave from the sheer weight of the noise I turn to see my husband cuddling him WHILE the boy's still carrying on. Cuddled him until he was done yelling & contorting. Being calm and patient in a way someone with a headache problem/disorder triggered by noise simply can not do. It did it. Boy was wearing underwear. Boy wore underwear for his walk, for a trip to the mall for new pants (he wore holes through a pair this week), through reading a story and drawing... all the way until his bath time without accidents. There are two unaccomplished goals before my surgery that I haven't marked off yet - getting my bedroom truly clean & tidy and having my son completely out of diapers. Now I feel much closer to the second being accomplished. My husband doing something I can not do has made my evening... and he has neither the understanding that I am unable to handle that scream like he can nor the slightest clue how much he helped me out.

I'll tell him & thank him ... if he gets home before I fall asleep!

BTW, I did get 7 out of 8 new art pieces completed so far and I still have 2 weeks to finish any of the 4 started to have my 8 in 8 weeks goal reached. I've marked it off my list because I am so very close and I'm impatient to have my list done and this is the only thing on my list I alone control ;)

Letter to my neighbor

I don't have a document program that works on my laptop at the moment, so please disregard this post.

Dear Neighbor,

Two months of being overly aware of everything we do in our own apartment after 8pm, doing our best to be beyond reasonably quiet, apparently did nothing for you. You still insisted on a face-to-face meeting and then did not show up. You were home. I know you were home because an hour before the meeting, as I was laying down resting with my son, we could hear your daughter throwing a fit (presumably because she was no more eager to lay down than my son had been) and your car was in the parking lot. Your lexus is a bit noticeable in the parking lot because you still have out of state plates even after over a year in the state.

We do not use our Xbox Kinect as intended, for nightly exercise, because it could give you cause to complain. I impose my son and myself on our friends for playdates because their downstairs neighbors don't mind the general noise made by average childrens' play. We changed out my son's bathtoys for much softer ones meant for the bathtub so that you and your daughter no longer have to listen to matchbox cars sinking to the tub bottom. I don't do laundry after 8pm unless it's necessary for the next day. We haven't taken showers after 8:30. Yes, our son takes his nightly bath at 8pm, but contrary to your opinion, 8pm is the actual most common bathtime for the 3 year old children we know!

And with all these things you still feel we cause too much noise during the evenings. We've been as considerate as is reasonable. We tried to point out the truth - much of the noise CAN'T be us. We don't know what else you would expect us to do, and after not showing up to the meeting today, again acting in the manner that the world should revolve around you and your daughter alone, I frankly don't give a damn. My son has been hen-pecked to walk and be quiet and all the synonyms for "slow and quiet" that we could come up with for 2 months. We're done. Your continued complaints even through our quietness only proves to us that at least one of 3 things is true:
1) the noises bothering you are not being caused by us
2) your expectations for quiet in apartment living are unreasonably set high
3) your stress has gotten the better of you and we are your targets for venting

Unlike the barking I hear most days of your days from your window as your dog is bothered by every dog being taken for a walk, we have no dog. Yes, your dog's barking is annoying, especially when our windows are also cracked open and your dog has goaded another dog into barking back, but that's part of living in a community that allows dogs.

For the record, when you accused us of waking your daughter at 1am, it was you who should have felt bad for us. I was waking up every night right along with you, but unlike you, it wasn't MY CHILD who was crying every night at 1 in the morning. Our apartment was wedged between two babies...  so while I had already gone through that normal developmental stage with my own son I got a bit of a ride being woken up nightly by other people's children. Did I complain to the office? No, of course not! Young children go through developmental phases, some of which include waking throughout the night! It's not fun, it's hard on the parents, but blaming us was just ridiculous as my son had been asleep for hours already and my husband and I were often in bed beforehand.

The yelling and shouting couple you heard, and the very immature door slamming? Definitely NOT US. It pissed me off and I knew we were getting blamed for our neighbors crapping actions... and while it caused some tension to do so we found out who it was for certain, we let them know it wasn't okay and contacted the office because it wasn't a one-time occurrence. My son throws tantrums and wants to kick doors, he's 3 years old, but my husband and I don't, just so you know.

We hear the washing machine pipes draining at all hours of the day and night. We have listened to well beyond any possible fair share of dogs barking... huskies whining, beagles bawling, the new sharpe puppy yipping. I hear your daughter and other little girls crying and screaming and carrying on. The dog owners running down the hall with their dogs trying to get them outside before they have an accident sounds like thunder. The kids upstairs running up and down the hall on days it's not fit to play outside can be very loud.  That's all part of apartment living. If you're not willing to put up with that you need to live on the top floor. I think you really need to admit how much of your problem with noise is because you're stressed out and how much is actually unacceptable noise. The noises you do hear, you need to listen to critically because unfortunately noise travels oddly in the building. The office knows this. Other tenants know this. It would serve you well to accept it because I'm not making that up. I will not waste another day on a meeting you may or may not keep. My son and I stayed close to home all rainy Monday so I would be on time to the meeting. He wasn't allowed to take his nap because he would've slept through when I needed to be at the office. Your comfort is no longer going to come at my son's expense. I'm not a terrible neighbor. Other than the night of February 11 we have been quite quiet and courteous even to our own detriment. I am through feeling like a prisoner to your whims in my own apartment. Please reevaluate what you find acceptable noise and accept that not every noise you hear comes from directly above you.

Sincerely,
Your neighbor who is through giving a damn.

Musing (not amusing) Monday

I'd rather be in Studio today...

Apparently life has decided that I either than migraine headaches OR allergies. The only way to exist without one is to be suffering from the other. WTF?!?
And is this information helpful to the headache specialist? Apparently not.

My son doesn't want to go anywhere this morning. That's a drag. I'd like to make use of our Museum membership and go to MOS for 2 hours. He'd have fun IF HE'D JUST GO ALONG WITH MY PLANS!

He keeps tilting his head and looking at me over his eyeline... this kid understands cute...

So wish me luck this week. I have 4 projects in the studio in the works, I have 4 that I need properly scanned/photographed so I can get them up on Etsy for sale before this weekend, and unfortunately the creep will still have an excuse to be in the building on Tuesdays for a few more weeks. I am honestly picking up my pepper spray from my parents' house in two weeks and bringing it to studio. The other people can say what they want about the guy being harmless - I know better. I'd much rather pepper spray the bastard than get strangled at some point. I'd also much rather be able pepper spray him than be forced to work in a fearful environment. Our studio is an extension of my home... and I promised myself when I left NY that I would never again let some psycho force me out of my home. In this kind of scenario weapons really do become the answer unfortunately.

It really sucks though that the crazies always seem to find me. I mean, seriously, they all need to just drop dead. I just barely got back to not hating my body again and then this creep interferes with my peace and work and makes me wish I looked incredibly different. These type of creeps need to all die so I actually feel like getting back in shape isn't increasing the target on my back.

Pepper spray and a hunting knife... Yup. Should do the trick.

Thank You OneRepublic

Not only are you five gentlemen genuinely nice in person, but you've put out a lot of music that turns around my son's sour mood. He's now happily giggling and dancing to "Good Life."

Even if I hadn't been so lucky as to have met you guys in person, (Just happenstance and small world colliding really.) I'd be singing your praises right now. Pun not intended.

http://www.onerepublic.net/

Though their TV performances rarely do them justice, they'll be on the Ellen show tomorrow & Conan the 6th.

I love Coco too, but lately I've been focused on trying to meet my art deadlines so except for NCIS I I haven't been watching much TV really. (PBS over breakfast doesn't count in my book.) And with my new schedule I'll miss the next month of NCIS... which means I'll obviously have to watch a NCIS marathon through hulu or netflix etc etc when I'm recovering from surgery.

,,, even with trying to edit the above it still comes out a bit scattered... which is how it is, everything all at once, thrown into the toy box in whatever order it landed, like my sons toys.

My son is currently converting his "garage" into quite the impressive Mega Blocks castle.
I want to go to Boston Museum of Science. That was my plan last night: spend 1/2 of Monday at MOS. (http://www.mos.org ) My child? Of course not! He wants to go to school. It's not a school day for him, so since he can't go to school he doesn't want to leave the apartment. He's not autistic (for whoever is reading this and thinking that), he's strong willed and usually knows what he wants... which is difficult when your plans clash with his and his attitude. So he's building a castle and I'm blogging in hopes that when the castle is done (and it's never done until every block in the apartment is used) he might FINALLY desire more active play.

"Mommy, I did it! Ta Da!"
That's my cue... (actually it's quite awesome...)

First Saturday in April

Open Studios is Today.
Therefore this post is short.

Miracle Providers of the Northeast put on a wonderful show last night in Methuen. Wonderful! Fun! Hilarious! A great performance raising money for charity. I hope that they are at least as successful tonight.

Article link mailed to me I'd like to share.
"Fake it 'Til you make it." is the best known, but least tried  by the masses I think.

http://www.austinkleon.com/2011/03/30/how-to-steal-like-an-artist-and-9-other-things-nobody-told-me/


ENJOY!

A, B & C...

Today I am: Accomplished, Blessed and Confused

After bringing my son to daycare I went to work in the studio. I really want to paint my magpie but its blue-black feather quality is difficult to achieve in any paint for my novice so I have to experiment AND take my time. I get there, start working, then find out the sewer is clogged again and water can't be used. Bummer. So now what? Work until I need to change water & could probably use a restroom, that's what! So I decide I'm going to see if I can only be gone an hour and if I can do 3 things in such little time. Success! Turns out I can drive back home, prepare a casserole, load another round of laundry AND eat "lunch" in an hour! I cut it super close with the casserole because the pot almost completely refused to boil (I have no idea what THAT was all about) but I did it. Accomplished!

After returning to studios, working more on the magpie, and picking up my son, we went to the playground. I said we'd go for 10 minutes... 10 turned into 30 :) The weather was so pleasant (none of those horrid wind gusts from yesterday) I was very happy my son was so agreeable and not hungry so we could do so. So few people were there that while my son was playing in one area I was near him and swinging on the swings. I felt calm. happy and blessed. A beautiful early spring afternoon, time and means to be outside in the filtered sunlight and SWINGING! I truly think I appreciate swings even more now that I'm adult than I did as a child. It's wonderfully calming and fun to do. Blessed.

 So as I'm relishing my blessings knowing the next two days are called for to be foul weather, my son stops doing what he's doing to yell at me to "Stop! Stop! No swinging Momma!" Does he want to go on? No. Does he want me to go do something with him? Not really. Is there anyone else even remotely interested at the swings at the moment? Not at all. "Stop!" And he reaches out and bear hugs my slowed legs bringing me to a complete stop. Apparently Momma isn't allowed to swing. I can climb and slide and play, but not swing. Confused.

One down, many to go

One week down, One Artwork completed!
Seven more weeks, seven more to go and 3 projects already started.

When I don't feel accomplished, like this morning seeing all the boxes in our bedroom as I'm putting away clean laundry, I keep going back to the numbers.

I'd like to point out that as you see a family of 3 or 4 out and about, and you notice that the kids and husband are dressed nice and cleanly but the mother's clothes are rumbled or slightly faded but clean, that you're probably looking at a stay at home mom. Why? Because we tend to do every one else's laundry first. (I imagine this is similar for Stay at Home Dads too!) Since our spouse is going out of the house for work, and also will forget to tell us that they have no clean socks until there are NO socks left in their drawer, we make sure we wash their clothes every week. Our children are, in many cases, the people we spend the most time with and see the most so and help dress in the mornings so, obviously, we have a handle on where their "clean clothes status" is. Which leaves ourselves, the stay at home parent, last.

I realized and was pissed off by this over this past weekend when I couldn't find the pants I wanted to wear to church... one of two Sundays this entire year where I will have to go stand up up front so I wanted to look nice. (I still have not found those black dress pants!) I wore a skirt & sweater instead. So I now have most of my laundry clean, but again, because I come last, it's everyone else's which is being put away first... and because my lovely husband won't part with any of his clothing, even though a portion of them no longer fit him (he's finally not underweight anymore!) I have run out of space to put away his clothes and thus am wasting time, quite probably in vain, trying to "make room" for his clean clothes. We've had a few discussions about this. He simply doesn't get it. So since I'm in a snit about it he tells me to leave his clean clothes on the bed and he'll put them away. There is a small pile of his clean clothes floating around our bedroom. He refuses to admit defeat but has no idea where he's going to put the clothes without rebreaking the dresser drawer. (He doesn't admit that he has no idea, but seriously, once you've looked inside the closet and gone through each of your drawers and still not put away anything in that pile, I know you've seen defeat.)

So, since I turn 30 this week, and the old adage "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." is very true, I'm going to declare April "de-clutter or create" month. No one's things are not up for consideration for donation. I mean, I got rid of 1/5 of my wardrobe before I left NY for Massachusetts. I've gotten rid of a lot of clothes since then of mine too. (If a top was super tight before having a child it is simply never ever going to fit again, so why keep it taking up space?!?) In comparison, I have saved a fraction of Sebastian's outgrown clothes but largely donated or traded in outgrown clothes. I sold his high chair. I try to discourage family from getting him large toys. His tricycle wintered in my parents basement (and will be retrieved at Easter - I'm still working on finding a helmet that fits Sebastian.). I got ANOTHER bookcase... and yet we still have a "proper storage" issue. I still see a pile of boxes before I go to bed at night. (Unless, as was the case last night, silly boy refuses to go back to sleep without Mommy spending the night in his room. I LOVE that he finally has a big bed with trundle. I dislike that silly boy still woke up and wanted to talk every hour through the night)

Now, in the time I took to type all that I could've put away some of my clothes, but sometimes, getting the frustrations of life off your chest is more important. However, in my personal life as in my art life, the reward in the sense of accomplishment when a task is completed is quite high for me. So, while I am about to go out and get some relaxing massage therapy (which should be the best thing for this aching right arm that's on fire!) I've also got my entire day after that planned out... which includes another clothing donation (children's clothes and dresses I had wanted to sell but don't have the patience to keep putting up online), returning soda cans, grocery shopping so I can do casseroles for this weekend & chicken tonight,

2:47 am

And I am on the computer because apparently my sinuses have decided that since they behaved themselves all day that they must now attack me. This blows.

And my nose is sore from all the blowing too!

I set a goal for myself: 8 projects completed in 8 weeks.
Sounds SO very simple put that way...
deceptively simple. Because my unpaid 24/7 job is that of a "stay at home mom".
Which I wish someone would be creative enough to find a replacement title for. I'm NOT a very PC person, but SAHM sounds extremely lazy. While I only have one child, and so I have it fairly simple, I still think people confuse "housewife" and "stay at home mother" as synonymous. They certainly are not. Not when you have children under 5. Add to that the annoyances of daily life not child related, the household responsibilities and crap life throws at you and days can be extremely full with nothing left to show for your accomplishments. Being a SAHM living far from where you grew up, a little bit shy and with no family around presents a very real challenge of having any life of your own. While I am maintaining this blog (so far) don't mistake me for someone who whole-heartedly loves technology. In reality, I am online as much as I am simply because I am stuck at home often or, like tonight, I can't sleep. The calmer and happier I am the more efficient I am when online so I can be on the computer less. I'd rather be wandering through the woods, skiing, drawing or beating the hell out of a chunk of clay than be on a computer. Unfortunately drawing is the only other thing that can be done this late at night/early in the morning and I know from years of experience that unless I have an idea, drawing at this hour can lead to me cursing aloud.

Back to my goal of 8 in 8.
So because it's easy for me to feel guilty about leaving my apartment a mess... and the clutter has gotten far beyond what I can organize myself (... that in and of itself is an entire rant...) I have to stay focused on art for the next 8 weeks. I found my note from Jane, the note that made me jump back into art with both feet.

"Your mother showed me your sketchbook today. You do wonderful work. Please promise me that even if you do something else with your life you will never put down your art. It will always serve you well. Love, Jane"

I did very limited artwork the 4 years of college. After that I spent a long time only doing works if I had a perfect idea of what to do as a gift for a specific person... and while these are splendid it's not at all what Jane meant. I knew what she meant. My art teacher in high school had made me actually make the promise Jane wrote of, but for a long time I turned away from it. Now that I need a community here and my sanity needs me to be able to have a sliver of myself that is not "wife" or "momma" I reclaimed it... for better or worse.

It's hard to meet people when you're married and not working outside the house and a parent. I don't want to go to a bar or club by myself, and neither is a place I can see my husband going with me even if we didn't have a child unless there was a concert going on. I was happy to join mothers groups when I first moved here, but I quickly found out that it's extremely hard to find another mother who wants to just go out ... to go out and blow off steam. It's ridiculous. I know I live outside the city and didn't grow up here, but finding people to be real with is far more difficult than it should be. I should not have to drive through 3 states to get together for a girls night out with childhood friends in order to go out... but that's the only time it happens.

Even the few guy friends I have in the area, all of whom I knew from living in NY, are stuck in their own limitations. Two won't go out without their girlfriends but because their girlfriends don't know me they don't want to go out. Another doesn't want me to meet his girlfriend. I have no idea what he thinks I'm going to tell her but apparently he's not willing to take that chance that I might possibly embarrass him. The fourth I've known since Kindergarten and while I could invite myself along, I am far too relaxed for his crowd. That leaves only one unmarried friend in the area... and I joke about him being the other adult in my house. He'd be the friend keeping my husband company while I went out... so, I've mused about this for a while and decided a few things:

- Giving up for now doesn't mean giving in to getting old
- If I meet people I have to step far out of my comfort zone and actually get to know them.
(Be the extrovert people think I am instead of the introvert I am)
- Remind myself often that it's okay to do things alone sometimes. It may not be as fun, but it's gotta beat staying home.

That said, my second present to myself for my birthday is tickets to a Friday night show benefiting charity next week.  The ticket cost was $30. I'm pretending that is a sign I was suppose to go. It's meant to be a night of silliness - and with as serious as some of the crap is right now I can always use silliness that I don't have to clean up after!

Decided!

Ridiculously happy just to have a decision on a project made!
Even though it means even more steps than I thought when I claimed the frame.

I'm trying to work, but I want to walk around... though except for my studio neighbor everyone's gone.
I even brought Girl Scout cookies to share!

Oh... and if you can't tell... my new laptop power cord came a day earlier than I expected! So (for better or worse) I can use my computer to procrastinate...I mean *cough* ahem *cough* get around to ordering my business cards and actually check my gmail account.

Up and walked away...

After searching this morning and when I returned home today my slide on sneakers are gone.
My son is clever, but I have checked everywhere the little man can reach...

It appears, despite all logic, that my favorite shoes have up and walked away.

Sketchbook with the jaguar still missing. Mini elephant mostly done. Dreamcatcher mostly done (once I figure out which color to use as the backdrop). Bullhead - Lily in watercolor done! Magpie... well, I definitely need to use a picture to try and draw it afterall but I think I expected that.

I accomplished 10 things in an hour being home AND played silliness with the boy for an hour. I feel bad going back to studio... but the reality is here at home from 8pm on I'll only watch TV or do things on the computer.

Besides, I'm on munchin duty all morning and evening the next 3 days!
(Excuses, excuses, I know... but it's no less true!)

Up and walked away?

A whole sketchbook of mine is missing. One of my current books. The book with the entire sleeping jaguar 1/3 complete. Grr. I do not know how such a thing "up and walked away" but it has.

The pain from my arm is about a 8 on the 1-10 scale... yet I still am typing and trying to use it fairly normally because that is what I was advised to do until I see the hand specialist Wednesday morning. I'm really tired and cranky from this "my arm is on fire" feeling and can't wait for some relief. The only thing that temporarily helped was a special deep heat +active release when I got a massage last week. It only lasted until I woke up the next morning though... then this white hot pain was back.

If the "fix" for this is bandaging up my arm and wrapping it to my torso I will scream. I'll be on a lifting restriction from May -July and I can't afford (neither in sanity or art) the nonsense of stabilizing my shoulder and elbow that way. I'm also ridiculously right-handed. I can't do anything except brush my teeth sufficiently with my left hand... so I am a bit nervous about what experiment a specialist who has no interest in me the person may want to try.

Sorry this is so negative, but I have had a very crappy history with most doctors. They seriously tend to ignore my own instincts about my body even though history shows that if they listened to what I tell them they would make better diagnosis and get me to effective treatment sooner. (I was treated for 10 months like I had morning sickness when I actually had gall stones so large that I had my gall bladder removed. I said from day 1 that it was NOT morning sickness!)

So yeah... keep your fingers crossed that I am able to find that notebook. There are a few sketches for children's books AND that sleeping jaguar in it. I was hoping to finish the jaguar and have it listed on Etsy before my birthday at the end of the month... but I have to have it  in order to be able to scan and list it! So frustrating!

Some Nice Things

So after complaining about my stupid frickin' cut a couple of things happened to be happy about:

-the work I've done on the elephants actually looks good thus far

-my friend who I am a bridesmaid for in November (yeah... me a bridesmaid, I find it hilarious too!) actually was NOT at work or in grad class so I was able to talk to her.

-upon returning home I noticed a bracelet on the sidewalk- MY BRACELET - simply lying there as if it had come down to meet me at my car. I didn't know it had fallen off on my way to my car, so I was happy to find it  whole and untouched/unchewed ! (We have a lot of dogs in our apartment complex) It's not expensive or anything, just leather and super thin brass, but I like to wear it and would've been disappointed tomorrow to find it gone.

-I have this email message from a friend (who really could've just commented it on the post...but I accept that you won't... even though it's not like you're not tech savvy...)
"back ages ago I used to work at a pizza place and part of the job sometimes was folding boxes.  Cardboard cuts hurt like a motherfucker I don't care what ANYONE says."
That email makes me feel vindicated and less crazy about how bad it hurt. Thank you.


Now I'm going to cave and create a business page on facebook. I got thinking about it and I don't want to create a personal page under my work name, but I also would like to be able to see what others in the studios are working on, support them and such, without having to explain to everyone the story of the nickname. People that keep finding out my legal name there keep using it... and the whole point of introducing myself by my nickname and even Marcus working so hard to call me by that nickname when he's there at the same time, is because THAT'S what I WANT to go by! I love my nickname and it's one with lots of love and support for me behind it. My given first name some bimbos keep trashing, people screw up the ethnicity of all the time, and I just simply want to do art - not debate my name. 


To be fair, when I'm patient enough, people do go back to using my nickname. It's just unnerving because I have no graceful response to any response to my real name. I feel awkward enough every minute in my new environment without doing that very old song and dance. I mean, it's my Dad who should be complimented for NOT naming me Tiffany (I thank God daily that he spoke up when it mattered against Mom) and it is NOT my fault someone who happened to have my same first name acts like an idiot and got herself on TV. 


I really need to do shorter posts, don't I?

I deserve a cookie...

Cardboard "paper cuts" that hurt WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than they should make me act erratic and ADHD. A day later it still hurts at all to the touch. The stupidity of the whole thing is that it was done opening the box around a 8 by 10 picture frame. A very lame thing to cause such annoyance. It is quite ridiculous that it hurt as deeply as it did. Apparently the tendinitis thing going on in that arm is making my receptors more sensitive. It took all of my resolve not to cry like a blathering idiot. Really. I'm 30 years old and a paper cut had me wanting a hug and to cry like a baby.

This is the type of stupid little thing that feels like it can happen only to me. I get a bruise/cut/sprain much more painful than is average in the lamest of situations. I mean, if I was one of the Metal Men in the upper studios a cut could be cool. But a little crafter? yeah... no real "cool" imaginative stories behind a cut there... and even those lame ones are still less lame then the truth - a picture frame box bit me!

I also deserve a cookie because I brought my son to the studios with the intention of working a bit on my own stuff and letting him paint too. Only one of those things happened... and every parent can correctly guess which one. And my body decided that even though I was being a good mom I should get zapped and have a horrible vice-like scalp spasm. Luckily it was as we were leaving and my son was an absolute sweetheart about it, giving me a bottle of water to "make mommy better and happy." It didn't last all that long, but very much like that damn cut, it was completely unexpected, poorly timed, and extremely painful.

So another artist on my floor has a lovely original Sebastian painting in her studio and I know what I will be working on my next foray... I just hope that the artist I was rude to the other day doesn't think I'm psycho now and that my hour tomorrow to work is without accident

As promised...

Sleeping Jaguar:

of course this only serves to annoy myself that the background isn't done yet... so I'll put up the puma to make myself fee better...

of course now all I see are the two touch-ups needed. geez.
So, what do you think?

We are all mad

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained

-Mark Twain

After finally finishing The Adventures and Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes combined with the type of day I've had yo-yo-ing along with my son's moods today this quote seemed so very on the mark.

Not as productive day as I was hoping for, on any front, but considering I got only 2 real hours asleep last night (if it wasn't one boy it was the other) and my little one was a hellion before his midday nap I think I might have ended up slightly ahead.

On the other hand, I glance over to the door and realized the garbage is still on the hand cart and the clothes to donate are also still over there... both of which are things that now get pushed onto my plate tomorrow. Lovely. Oh well. I just have to keep replaying that horrible footage from the Tsunami in Japan in my head and be thankful for the good of my situation and *try* to shake off the bad.

Returning to my roots in art leaves me with more concrete product, but I don't know how happy I am about the illustrations/inking/drawing yet. I LOVE the 4 by 6 sleeping Jaguar... but I feel like I'm too slow about it all. Of course, for every one page that I show to anyone other than Sebastian there are 3 that have been given over to him to "embellish" because something is bothersome in either proportions or inconsistency of style within the page.  Oh how the penguin was today's flop! The Empire Penguin's head came out beautifully. When I reached "Stop 1" it was too late to do anything about my error. While the head was wonderfully done and the body correct they were out of sync. I went and looked back at my inspiration image and realized immediately what I had done... I started at the head and then made the image fit the paper... the body was only 2/3 of the height it should've been. If I had been inking an adolescent I might have just shrugged, but I of course did up an adult first. 

There are no failures, only lessons.

So this penguin had a wonderful point and a wonderful lesson and doesn't leave the sketchbook. He does become a future teacher and now has a note along the edge reading "head should be only 1/6 of height, 1/2 width at girth" so that, hopefully, my next attempt is a more successful one.

Next project: work to stop 2 on "C is for Chicken" or work to stop 3 on full body jaguar.

-I plan out 2D work in steps and call a "stop" how far from one point to the next before I need to STOP and put down the work due to the material, my physical endurance or my perspective. Very often it's all 3 factors combined. Not each piece has the same number of stops, but I know how many each project will take once I start it (that is, when I have a very clear end image in my mind.) None of this would interest anyone reading this, but seeing as I only know of 2 people who may read this I don't really care! hahaha. 

I'll post the 4 by 6 Jaguar soon. If not call and remind me.

kids and cubs

So how does one who's not writing about "hot topics" and is a little diverse (okay, okay, quite random) in her topics get a follower?

I'm not looking to a large following like Hyperbole. Frankly, I'm not nearly that funny. I just would like some feedback from time to time. Just like in my face to face life, I desire feedback.


In my real life I find myself fighting to hold on to inspiration and block out the stress. I'm an intuitive person, and when I'm fighting my instincts I get tired, angry, scared and lonely. It's an internal mess that gets in the way of my visible life eventually. I'm inspired by a lot of things. It's ridiculous. But to keep my inspiration long enough to be fueled by it a few things need to happen that I'm not solely in control of. Firstly, I need my physical pain not to outweigh everything else. There are moments when this happens. It doesn't (thankfully) last for long, but when it does it knocks the wind out of all my sails and I really feel literally dead in the water. Secondly, I need to not be completely alone in the "adult" world. I'm rarely alone as my son is with me over 50% of my waking hours. My son, as loving and intelligent as he is, is only 3 years old. He tries my patients and tests my creativity (Seriously how many ways can you try to distract a child so that he's no longer upset by the car being washed away on TV? Yeah, that was today's dilemna.) My son is not old enough to challenge my thought. My son is not old enough to give meaningful critism. He is critical. He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like and lets you know. But I lack adult feedback on my artwork, my perspectives, my viewpoints. Writing out on this blog gets it to stop running circles in my mind, but that's where it ends.

The people who inspire me to be better, as a person, usually have very little idea that they are doing so. I miss them greatly. Some of them I can never see again, but luckily they loved me dearly and were strong, smart women who left me wonderful reminders of what they thought my strengths were and sometimes I come across those reminders (which include notes never to put my artwork down entirely) and I am shamed into remembering that giving up is a cop-out. Some of these inspirational people are friends. Just about all my friends are physically far away from me now. My friends inspire me personally and professionally. Unfortunately when I make the mistake of sharing my ideas or projects or plans with friends who are not these inspirational ones nothing positive happens. This is why a project that I had a clear vision for and was really quite ingenious was thrown away... at that critical moment that I needed someone to say "yeah, that makes sense" or "that could work if you figured out how to solve "x"." or simply to feign excitement didn't happen. All too often I rely on the wrong people to be a sounding board. I have found that in my life it's usually the people farthest from me who will be the most open-hearted, welcoming and helpfully critical.
One person inspired me to get in shape and I got down my weight before I was pregnant with my son. No, it wasn't my boyfriend (now husband). It was someone who was doing most of what they loved to do and were healthier for it. They shared inspiring things with me when they found them. They saw me as a whole person, with a lot of possibility despite my being a bit odd. I was inspired mostly by example and a little by love and a lot by being challenged.

 In art, I need to be challenged. I can find inspiration in art in the short-term, but if I'm not challenged it's pointless. I challenge myself, which creates a high standard for which most of my work suffers from receiving my displeasure, sneers and general loathing under my breath. Some, like my recent Jaguar cub postcard, actually surprise me by being up to my self-set standard and I am momentarily thrilled. When I am thrilled like that and keep my head, I make sure I show a child. If I love it, a child will react to it. It cements my resolve to love it regardless of what stupid comment someone makes about how I should have used a different medium, or asks why I did it this way instead of that. Then, I move on. I tried to expand upon the jaguar postcard by doing a larger full-body 9 by 12 sleeping Jaguar in ink. The challenges involved: changing image size, using ink when my right arm and wrist are burning in pain, trying to recreate and expand upon an image I was pleased with. It is much easier to try and out do yourself than it is to try and not screw it up when you have a winner. When I  lack patience I shallow my shame of not earning my own spending money and go to Starbucks to draw. I don't throw fits in Starbucks. I don't take a piece and tear it in two. I don't scream in frustration. When attempting something frustrating like I planned it is best to NOT be all alone where I can give in to my inner 3 year old. In a coffee shop I am compelled to behave and have more patience with myself merely by the presence of strangers. AND in this particular coffee shop I know one barista who I can get honest and professionally critical perspective from.

Sleeping Jaguar still isn't finished yet. My style using ink is peculiar and takes a long time with something as detailed as this... but it's a long way there. I rarely looked up once I got into it and rarely stopped. When you're working through pain it's a really good idea not to stop until you're done for the day because often your muscles could seize, or in my case, you can become aware of just how much pain that tendon is causing and just how physically hot your arm has become because of the inflammation. I did, however, smile a lot because I was getting the best honest feedback ever. It will make a little more sense when I tell you I was sitting with my back to the window near the door.

Older children are still curious but don't invade your space in order to find an answer. Every older child who came in saw my sketchbook before they were out of my ear shot. One was out the door before she said anything, but she said it so loud I heard her through the glass! "Mom, look at what she's drawing. It's amazing!" It really made me feel good. The girl was somewhere between 10 & 12. The younger kids who walked very close to me on their way out so they could see what I was drawing were also very funny, but they were very very quiet about what they were doing and made very few comments if any. What they did tend to do, which made it difficult not to turn up and give them a Cheshire grin, was gasp "whoa". There's something about little kids surprise that is wonderful and hilarious. Seriously kids, did you expect to see me having just drawn only a box? I don't know how they are so dumbfounded, but it is adorable and makes it so I can't look up at them and thank them because I'm already giggling at their reactions.

Someday some kid will find the nerve to ask me to show them what I'm drawing. That kid will be a lucky one indeed. My brother and I each were given gifts from random artists when we were little just for being so curious and so personable that we asked them if we could watch them. I plan on continuing to pay that forward, if only a kid would ask. The adults, I'll show you if you ask, but an adult watching me work just makes me self-conscious. Kids could learn something, like how the best place to start usually isn't where you think. And how putting something down for a while is different than giving up.

Now goodnight. It is time for me to ice my arm... again...

Love & Happiness

Spoke to my Grum last night.
We spoke for 30 minutes about ... well, nothing really.
Love and happiness comes from spending time with those people you can have a comfortable silence with.
:-)

While I went to bed feeling Zen, waking to news of the 8.9 Earthquake in Japan, then reading BabyInBeantown and remembering driving from Waimea to Hilo on the Big Island of Hawaii the reality of damage that's occurred and damage to Hawaii likely to occur sunk my heart. Thankfully Hawaii has a great tsunami warning system and they have lots of warning today. Japan, though, the earthquakes they literally build for, but the tsunami is going to be more devastating than I think people are prepared for.

The Reason I'm Still Up

I didn't call Grum today.
I even got that unmistakable cue from the universe to call her (This time it was a friend who wrote "I miss you Grum" in her own status!) and because it was dinner time and she was unlikely to be home at the moment, I told myself I'd call her later.
Minutes later I was in the car, driving, picking up my son, driving again, getting dinner ready while simultaneously playing Wii with my son, feeding two whiny cats, eating with my son, talking with my husband, clearing dishes... and the to-do list of daily life carried me away with it again.
I didn't call my Grum.
And I miss her terribly.
We live too far apart and she's a bit too self-conscious and a bit too old for a lot of the things and ways we'd make that distance feel smaller. But it doesn't mean I shouldn't have called.

You see, my Grum is unique in that she is that unique person in my life who's faults I know, I see, I openly accept (even when I don't like them and tell her so) and love her unconditionally. She very may well be the only person in my family (my son is still little - when he's 10 we'll see...) whom loves me unconditionally, wholly, unselfishly and without hesitation. While my brother will show up if I make it known I need him, while my husband does love me... it's Grum who I know is not held by any societal constraints to love me, I know she sees my short comings, I know she rolls her eyes at my extravagance when it's there, but I also hear her cheering me on from almost 300 miles away. I hear the comfortable silence of "nothing left to talk about, but I'm not ready to hang up yet" after a few minutes on the phone. I have patience and acceptance for her, who she is NOW, like few do because all too many in my family forget that there is a NOW that we live in, not the past. We carry our pasts around like a scrapbook, but they are not the present. I accepted and loved her then when she was a screaming shrew. But then again, her other half wasn't half as sweet as he was painted to be. He just always spoke very low when he wasn't being nice... so if you didn't have hearing like Grum & I it was easy to miss the subtle goading. I loved them then. I love them now. But I miss Grum.

There's little I can do for her from here. She needs me to remind people to let her go her own pace, so I do so when I get the opportunity. She desperately needs me to remind people that she does, in fact, listen to them now, even if that wasn't the case 25 years ago. She's still Kate, she's still fiery at times, but she knows times aren't easy and that her body isn't young anymore. She doesn't want to be labelled as helpless or feeble, but she also recognizes that her reflexes suck. Her confidence has faded through lack of repetition... the whole "use it or lose it" she's learned the hard way has much truth to it. Her cooking ability has reverted to that of a teenage boy... but now their budget and waistlines are putting her at the crossroads of sensibility and ability: Going out to eat every night for dinner is too expensive, Cooking is limited and receiving meals offends her sense of independence (and ability to control her choices.). Oh the odd calamaties of age.


About to fall is a big blow that she is trying to desperately figure out how to soften without having to deal with the drama... How does one deal with illness and treatment in a small town without drawing attention but without isolating yourself and your husband from every other living person you know? Small towns are horrible for gossip... and having one of the town gossips be your very dramatic niece who's house you can see from your own recliner isn't the most calming reality in the world when things go awry either. It's nice to have a loving relative so close... but I can attest that the upside to having such a caring relative so close comes at a steep price to any privacy and calm a sensible person is likely to desire. My cousin was the one to show up and take me to the hospital when I couldn't reach my parents in the middle of the night. She took me on some awesome Spring Break trips. She has also embarrassed me on multiple occasions... one time which was so bad she almost lost her job because of it! She announces whatever it is you feel is private information as loudly and as quickly as she can to what feels like every person in town before you have a chance to hide for cover. I want to be in town when she finds out - I want to be there to physically stand in her way as she opens her mouth to wail and somehow turn it all into a drama about how it hurts her... because just this once I would shut her up. There are a few nice ways and a lot of quick nasty ones. Whatever works.


When you're going through a cancer scare the worst thing a family member can do is let that quick wash of fear and uncertainty take hold and stay there. The all-too-common reaction of being shocked and loudly worried about it to the patient does the patient no good. Why do people always almost yell "Oh my god that's horrible!" ? I understand that you're shocked, but you're an adult. Keep your head enough to at least keep your voice down! Secondly, I understand there are questions. It's natural. However, there are intelligent questions, there are immediate questions, and then there are dumb statements that you want me to pretend are questions that just piss me off. If someone tells you about a medical issue PLEASE take a breath and count to 5 before saying anything. It's like when someone has a miscarriage and you tell them "It's all for the best." They know you're heart means well, but all they can focus on is how much of an asshole you sound like and how much they wish they hadn't told you anything at all about it. 
If you love a patient, ask the immediate questions... Do you need any help today? What does that diagnosis mean? When does your treatment/surgery/follow up/new diet start? Could your spouse use a hand around the house/with rides/ a hand to hold? Is this something that is okay for me to tell other people or is it a secret for now? 
If you love a patient, LOOK at them when you ask a question, LOOK and LISTEN to their response. If they're getting angry, love them enough to stop prodding. DON'T cut them off. DON'T jump to the worst conclusions. Try not to give stories of each and every person you've ever heard of with whatever their condition is. Really, we're going to get enough of that over the next few months to last a lifetime. Most of the time it will be from people we have to be nice to. Please just love us enough to do the hardest thing for families to do: Sit still and listen. Love us with all your heart. Understand that you can't walk our path for us, but you are welcome to walk beside us... so long as you listen.


I've spent an ungodly amount of time in hospitals for a (soon-to-be) 30 year old who's had a very healthy life. I've spend the night overnight in a hospital even when I wasn't the patient. I've gone with family members to pre-op, post-op, been a patient myself, been to that first appointment after remission, I've been that one non-family member there. I've been the only family member there. I've been the patient that can not get a nurse to come to the room even though they are needed RIGHT NOW so I have to figure out all the wires and tubes and get out of bed looking for them. I'm lucky enough to be that new mother with their newborn in their arms. The two things that are almost always constant are this:

People rarely listen to one another 

& hospitals are a lousy place to get any sleep unless they give you morphine.

So the next time you go to visit someone in the hospital please remember:

1. They are the patient.

2. Since they are the patient they are not there for your amusement.

3. If you get bored easily it's your responsibility to bring something to keep busy - don't steal the remote.

4. We all love clean visitors - but that just applied perfume/cologne makes patients and staff nauseous. Even if we love it on you at home, please use as little as possible.

5. We miss the kids and pets, but think twice before bringing them. Visits with rambunctious children need to be kept brief. 

6. If my water pitcher is empty please get me more water.

7. DON'T EAT MY FOOD. You have the luxury of leaving and getting more food. I may not want to eat at this very minute, but the moment you leave I'm starving... 

8. Don't come to visit me and then be on the phone the entire time you're in my room. The doctors make me feel insignificant enough. Make your business calls in the waiting room.

9. Listen to my boring story of whatever the staff told me and pretend it's not so boring.

10. Don't dismiss my pain. I'm in the friggin' hospital for a reason! Or do belittle my pain you know nothing of.... but give me a pencil to stick in your eye so I can call it even.

11. If you are really awesome you would: bring me non-scented lotion, something I would like to read, my own pajamas (even if I can't use them, there's always a chance!), music & headphones, tell a funny joke, bring a small puzzle or small game I would enjoy. (They make travel versions of tons of games now: barrel of monkeys, trivia games, Sorry!, memory, cards, crosswords....)

Politics - Paul v. Clinton

I love Ron Paul. I truly feel that the Republican party proved how stupid they are when the RNC stopped backing him. Add to that my eye-roll the majority of the time I have heard Hillary Clinton speak (Her husband was a wonderful politician and a president that actually accomplished a balanced budget!) I have to put up this link so I can come back to it.

http://www.antiwar.com/blog/2011/03/01/ron-paul-vs-hillary-clinton-on-supporting-dictators/