I haven 't posted, in large part because my grandmother did pass away. After a week of having family and friends bedside at the hospital she died.

Sometimes it is cathartic to talk about sad things. This is not one of those times. Being told last night by my grandfather that he would like me to go through her jewelry box the next time I am able to come back up. It took all of my strength not to let my crying come through into my voice. Knowing was hard enough, being told what I needed to do put it over.

In the haze that is the process of grief, made none-the-better by 4 straight days of grey and rain, a few small business related realizations have come through.
- I am excited to be changing studios, moving down the hall at the end of June. Even the stress of moving and cleaning hasn't killed that bit of happy.
- I am incapable, with the busy-ness of this summer and moving studios, of starting and completing a large work right now so...
- I should paint a few cards in place of "normal" work. Small artwork easily completed in smaller space and time.
- Picked up such paper today :)
- Seeing the experimental printing of the female cardinal makes tons of gears turn in my head. Good!
- I should drop the cafepress link from my business cards and create my own website in it's place so I can write a "proper" artists blog, sell & promote my work and have an image gallery all in one place.
- Tackling this arm pain is THE MOST LONG TERM PRODUCTIVE THING I CAN DO. Once I can type an entry this length, or sketch out a painting, or design & order my business cards without wanting to scream in pain I will be more productive happily.

Damn It Woman...

I never mentioned that I finished the cardinal... and they loved it! I mean, I'm fairly sure it wasn't all just praise for my benefit... but even if it was there were family members who had seen it and gushed so I'm marking that in the "win" category and it is a piece that will have to be replicated eventually.

Got an email with a link to photos I had taken... the purpose to update my professional market sites AND a photo for the blog... but turns out one of the pictures is so wonderful that it will likely turn into it's own post.
I actually may well use the photo as a jumping point for many writings. We shall see.

My grandmother, one of the 4 people on this planet for whom I will jump ship without hesitation, has had another significant stroke. I'm waiting until morning to see her and the waiting is almost as bad as the initial processing of the news. I love this woman. We have been solid even when the rest of my world has not been.

... Once I stopped crying and got my shit together, what thought crossed by?
"Damn it woman, this is NOT an acceptable way to ask your Granddaughter to change her plans and spend Mother's Day with you."

Genuinely, that was my thought. I've said it aloud 3 times. If she's at all herself, if I see HER when she looks back at me, I will absolutely have to say that to her. If she's there inside and able, the expression I get back will be priceless. :-)

Careful what you wish for world, existence has a horrible sense of humor.

Please wish me luck and her wellness & healing.

Creativity and Courage

So I would've come across it tomorrow, Saturday is the day I usually end up catching up on reading blogs and newspapers and books... but a (wonderfully smart &snarky)friend of mine posted the link to Wil Wheaton's site and most recent post:
http://wilwheaton.net/2013/05/they-make-comments/
Which particularly caught me because of the statement:
"Just remember, when someone is being a terrible monstrous awful cruel human being: you made a thing, and they made a comment."

The courageous part for me was never creating art. I started drawing purely for my own interest and enjoyment when I was 3. Yes, I probably got a lot of praise the first few years, but I did it for myself. I actually remember being 5 years old and sitting down with a pencil and paper and watching Imagination Station on PBS (Thank You Commander Mark!) and taking the lesson as serious fun instead of playing with my toys, running around outside or pestering my baby brother. 

The courageous part for me was sharing my art with anyone I did not live with. Even though I got praise from age 5 - 10 with no negativity it still made me very nervous EVEN BACK THEN to share drawings with people I knew (like neighbors and my parents friends) even though they would support me. 

Wil, you missed the mark... the artists create because it's a part of who we are, the courageous part, the part that truly makes our works live and breathe, is in the sharing. Once we let even one other person see our work we've opened the door to criticism, negativity, ever-expanding doubt and the painful gut-wrenching that goes with it all. 

I have a studio in a building of well over 100 artists in various mediums. Most of them are friendly, kind, sweet, creative people. After 2 years I only have one other artist, and it's not even my husband, with whom I feel positive at all showing my work to. One in over a hundred. My husband (by my own reckoning) MUST be nice and like my work... so how the heck am I ever going to know what he likes over what he thinks sucks? My son (who is that perfect age of 5) gets to see my works in progress unabashed. He's 5. Part of learning is seeing that there are many steps to creating anything and I need him to see that. He's 5, so he is also nonjudgmental & honest about the awesomeness or messiness of my work. He's 5, so for at least one more year I can be someone who he thinks is talented in at least one area of life, so I'm enjoying that while I can. 
He's 5, and I still hold my breath and expect him to say "I don't like it." every time I show him a new piece or the update on a current work.

The courage, like everywhere else in life, is in knowing you are fearful but moving forward anyway.