kids and cubs

So how does one who's not writing about "hot topics" and is a little diverse (okay, okay, quite random) in her topics get a follower?

I'm not looking to a large following like Hyperbole. Frankly, I'm not nearly that funny. I just would like some feedback from time to time. Just like in my face to face life, I desire feedback.


In my real life I find myself fighting to hold on to inspiration and block out the stress. I'm an intuitive person, and when I'm fighting my instincts I get tired, angry, scared and lonely. It's an internal mess that gets in the way of my visible life eventually. I'm inspired by a lot of things. It's ridiculous. But to keep my inspiration long enough to be fueled by it a few things need to happen that I'm not solely in control of. Firstly, I need my physical pain not to outweigh everything else. There are moments when this happens. It doesn't (thankfully) last for long, but when it does it knocks the wind out of all my sails and I really feel literally dead in the water. Secondly, I need to not be completely alone in the "adult" world. I'm rarely alone as my son is with me over 50% of my waking hours. My son, as loving and intelligent as he is, is only 3 years old. He tries my patients and tests my creativity (Seriously how many ways can you try to distract a child so that he's no longer upset by the car being washed away on TV? Yeah, that was today's dilemna.) My son is not old enough to challenge my thought. My son is not old enough to give meaningful critism. He is critical. He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like and lets you know. But I lack adult feedback on my artwork, my perspectives, my viewpoints. Writing out on this blog gets it to stop running circles in my mind, but that's where it ends.

The people who inspire me to be better, as a person, usually have very little idea that they are doing so. I miss them greatly. Some of them I can never see again, but luckily they loved me dearly and were strong, smart women who left me wonderful reminders of what they thought my strengths were and sometimes I come across those reminders (which include notes never to put my artwork down entirely) and I am shamed into remembering that giving up is a cop-out. Some of these inspirational people are friends. Just about all my friends are physically far away from me now. My friends inspire me personally and professionally. Unfortunately when I make the mistake of sharing my ideas or projects or plans with friends who are not these inspirational ones nothing positive happens. This is why a project that I had a clear vision for and was really quite ingenious was thrown away... at that critical moment that I needed someone to say "yeah, that makes sense" or "that could work if you figured out how to solve "x"." or simply to feign excitement didn't happen. All too often I rely on the wrong people to be a sounding board. I have found that in my life it's usually the people farthest from me who will be the most open-hearted, welcoming and helpfully critical.
One person inspired me to get in shape and I got down my weight before I was pregnant with my son. No, it wasn't my boyfriend (now husband). It was someone who was doing most of what they loved to do and were healthier for it. They shared inspiring things with me when they found them. They saw me as a whole person, with a lot of possibility despite my being a bit odd. I was inspired mostly by example and a little by love and a lot by being challenged.

 In art, I need to be challenged. I can find inspiration in art in the short-term, but if I'm not challenged it's pointless. I challenge myself, which creates a high standard for which most of my work suffers from receiving my displeasure, sneers and general loathing under my breath. Some, like my recent Jaguar cub postcard, actually surprise me by being up to my self-set standard and I am momentarily thrilled. When I am thrilled like that and keep my head, I make sure I show a child. If I love it, a child will react to it. It cements my resolve to love it regardless of what stupid comment someone makes about how I should have used a different medium, or asks why I did it this way instead of that. Then, I move on. I tried to expand upon the jaguar postcard by doing a larger full-body 9 by 12 sleeping Jaguar in ink. The challenges involved: changing image size, using ink when my right arm and wrist are burning in pain, trying to recreate and expand upon an image I was pleased with. It is much easier to try and out do yourself than it is to try and not screw it up when you have a winner. When I  lack patience I shallow my shame of not earning my own spending money and go to Starbucks to draw. I don't throw fits in Starbucks. I don't take a piece and tear it in two. I don't scream in frustration. When attempting something frustrating like I planned it is best to NOT be all alone where I can give in to my inner 3 year old. In a coffee shop I am compelled to behave and have more patience with myself merely by the presence of strangers. AND in this particular coffee shop I know one barista who I can get honest and professionally critical perspective from.

Sleeping Jaguar still isn't finished yet. My style using ink is peculiar and takes a long time with something as detailed as this... but it's a long way there. I rarely looked up once I got into it and rarely stopped. When you're working through pain it's a really good idea not to stop until you're done for the day because often your muscles could seize, or in my case, you can become aware of just how much pain that tendon is causing and just how physically hot your arm has become because of the inflammation. I did, however, smile a lot because I was getting the best honest feedback ever. It will make a little more sense when I tell you I was sitting with my back to the window near the door.

Older children are still curious but don't invade your space in order to find an answer. Every older child who came in saw my sketchbook before they were out of my ear shot. One was out the door before she said anything, but she said it so loud I heard her through the glass! "Mom, look at what she's drawing. It's amazing!" It really made me feel good. The girl was somewhere between 10 & 12. The younger kids who walked very close to me on their way out so they could see what I was drawing were also very funny, but they were very very quiet about what they were doing and made very few comments if any. What they did tend to do, which made it difficult not to turn up and give them a Cheshire grin, was gasp "whoa". There's something about little kids surprise that is wonderful and hilarious. Seriously kids, did you expect to see me having just drawn only a box? I don't know how they are so dumbfounded, but it is adorable and makes it so I can't look up at them and thank them because I'm already giggling at their reactions.

Someday some kid will find the nerve to ask me to show them what I'm drawing. That kid will be a lucky one indeed. My brother and I each were given gifts from random artists when we were little just for being so curious and so personable that we asked them if we could watch them. I plan on continuing to pay that forward, if only a kid would ask. The adults, I'll show you if you ask, but an adult watching me work just makes me self-conscious. Kids could learn something, like how the best place to start usually isn't where you think. And how putting something down for a while is different than giving up.

Now goodnight. It is time for me to ice my arm... again...