2:47 am

And I am on the computer because apparently my sinuses have decided that since they behaved themselves all day that they must now attack me. This blows.

And my nose is sore from all the blowing too!

I set a goal for myself: 8 projects completed in 8 weeks.
Sounds SO very simple put that way...
deceptively simple. Because my unpaid 24/7 job is that of a "stay at home mom".
Which I wish someone would be creative enough to find a replacement title for. I'm NOT a very PC person, but SAHM sounds extremely lazy. While I only have one child, and so I have it fairly simple, I still think people confuse "housewife" and "stay at home mother" as synonymous. They certainly are not. Not when you have children under 5. Add to that the annoyances of daily life not child related, the household responsibilities and crap life throws at you and days can be extremely full with nothing left to show for your accomplishments. Being a SAHM living far from where you grew up, a little bit shy and with no family around presents a very real challenge of having any life of your own. While I am maintaining this blog (so far) don't mistake me for someone who whole-heartedly loves technology. In reality, I am online as much as I am simply because I am stuck at home often or, like tonight, I can't sleep. The calmer and happier I am the more efficient I am when online so I can be on the computer less. I'd rather be wandering through the woods, skiing, drawing or beating the hell out of a chunk of clay than be on a computer. Unfortunately drawing is the only other thing that can be done this late at night/early in the morning and I know from years of experience that unless I have an idea, drawing at this hour can lead to me cursing aloud.

Back to my goal of 8 in 8.
So because it's easy for me to feel guilty about leaving my apartment a mess... and the clutter has gotten far beyond what I can organize myself (... that in and of itself is an entire rant...) I have to stay focused on art for the next 8 weeks. I found my note from Jane, the note that made me jump back into art with both feet.

"Your mother showed me your sketchbook today. You do wonderful work. Please promise me that even if you do something else with your life you will never put down your art. It will always serve you well. Love, Jane"

I did very limited artwork the 4 years of college. After that I spent a long time only doing works if I had a perfect idea of what to do as a gift for a specific person... and while these are splendid it's not at all what Jane meant. I knew what she meant. My art teacher in high school had made me actually make the promise Jane wrote of, but for a long time I turned away from it. Now that I need a community here and my sanity needs me to be able to have a sliver of myself that is not "wife" or "momma" I reclaimed it... for better or worse.

It's hard to meet people when you're married and not working outside the house and a parent. I don't want to go to a bar or club by myself, and neither is a place I can see my husband going with me even if we didn't have a child unless there was a concert going on. I was happy to join mothers groups when I first moved here, but I quickly found out that it's extremely hard to find another mother who wants to just go out ... to go out and blow off steam. It's ridiculous. I know I live outside the city and didn't grow up here, but finding people to be real with is far more difficult than it should be. I should not have to drive through 3 states to get together for a girls night out with childhood friends in order to go out... but that's the only time it happens.

Even the few guy friends I have in the area, all of whom I knew from living in NY, are stuck in their own limitations. Two won't go out without their girlfriends but because their girlfriends don't know me they don't want to go out. Another doesn't want me to meet his girlfriend. I have no idea what he thinks I'm going to tell her but apparently he's not willing to take that chance that I might possibly embarrass him. The fourth I've known since Kindergarten and while I could invite myself along, I am far too relaxed for his crowd. That leaves only one unmarried friend in the area... and I joke about him being the other adult in my house. He'd be the friend keeping my husband company while I went out... so, I've mused about this for a while and decided a few things:

- Giving up for now doesn't mean giving in to getting old
- If I meet people I have to step far out of my comfort zone and actually get to know them.
(Be the extrovert people think I am instead of the introvert I am)
- Remind myself often that it's okay to do things alone sometimes. It may not be as fun, but it's gotta beat staying home.

That said, my second present to myself for my birthday is tickets to a Friday night show benefiting charity next week.  The ticket cost was $30. I'm pretending that is a sign I was suppose to go. It's meant to be a night of silliness - and with as serious as some of the crap is right now I can always use silliness that I don't have to clean up after!