Forgiving is not forgetting

I wrote out a whole post before realizing it was a lot more... sad... than I'm comfortable with.

The gist of it that I do want to put out there is this: Too many of us have similar bad experiences that shape us to be going about our lives feeling so damned and damned alone. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Neither is absolving the assholes that we put our trust in only to have it blow up in our faces.

My recent rollercoasters, both medical and not, have only reminded me of all the times I've been told I'm lying when I was telling the truth because, simply, "She'd never do that." "Oh that couldn't have happened." or (thanks Mom) "What were you doing that caused that? It doesn't just happen." Seriously people, true jerks and people who get off making other people miserable are all over.

And either you're a part of a solution or you're a part of the problem. I've survived a hell of a lot and I'll survive the next round coming my way... unfortunately sometimes the solution is just forgiving and moving on the best you can, painful scars and all.

wow

Seriously, I am not enjoying the rollercoaster ride I've been on since waking today.... but the damn invisible carney doesn't care that I want to bawl my eyes out, he's not stopping the ride. Apparently it's the thyroid faerie's job to fray your nerves.

On the up side, I was able to paint today and made much progress on that front. On the down side,  I've been erratic all day while in a place of people I will see on a fairly regular basis.

So I have to focus on the positives.
And when life hands you lemons...
find the tequila and salt!

Life is crazy... enjoy the ride

Really, that sums up the past week of my life pretty well. I've had enough ups and downs, still going through enough of them, to know that if you don't take the opportunities when they arise, if you miss what's around you when it's there, you miss the point of living.

The quote from Ferris Buehler's Day Off is going through my head.
"If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Some things are just timeless. :)

Due to my lack of motivation/ unclear vision for the next canvas, I am tempted to make this my day in Boston sketching instead of tomorrow. grr. And my motivation to go to studio to have a screaming monkey war (woot sold them for $1 months back so we have one) is sunk because the other artist with one is on vacation at the moment...


I finally figured out how it is that I am racking up all this time "off-leash". My husband is about to be occupied for 3 weekends in a row and is going to pick up another reffing position this fall... after I directly asked him to choose football or rollerderby, but please for the love of god don't do both! So... the upside... I apparently can go out 80% of the Wednesday nights that I want to AND nothing is going to be said against me going to NY whatever weekend events (mostly family) arise as long as my son comes with me. 


Why does "home" feel more like home when my parents are in Florida? Seriously, this weekend wouldn't have been so chill had they been in the same state. I love my parents, but me going out on Friday nights still doesn't fly with them.... much less me crashing at a friend's place. 


So now I am home home, procrastinating, looking beside my laptop to an adorable sleeping kitty . I am very happy with the relaxing events of the past week and have my new schedule for ambitions for art... another 8 projects in 8 weeks goal... though I'm going to cheat slightly and include the cardinal that I've started  in the 8 :-)  Now... time to go to work in earnest.

Reset Button

I think the past week has been about me hitting the reset button...
I'm just a little slow in realizing that only now.

The surgery put my body into a chemical reboot. Let me tell you - THAT can be quite the silent, invisible roller-coaster! There comes a downside to being kinetically self-aware... you're impatient with changes because you're ultimately a little more aware of the process than others are. Insomnia then lethargy then a manic day... wasn't quite so fun but luckily the pendulum has lost momentum.

I've (understandably) been tensed, wound-up and feeling isolated since my surgery. My energy and physical restrictions while in recovery had me home a bit too much... cabin fever can happen anytime, even in sunny June!  So.. now that I'm a bit better time to be the real me and do something to solve the problem!

Accomplish things, find a center, spend time with people. (and clean what you can). It's helped.
Had I not lost the sketch book, I got some ideas down & worked through. I got the first of a flame painting series done while waiting in my studio for the electrician.

I got out of my cluttered apartment and my dusty studio, both of which make me feel guilty for doing anything over cleaning, and went into Boston for an afternoon. I had hoped one of my friends in the city would be available for dinner at the Oyster House, but settled for catching up with one for a few hours and walking around for a long time instead. Lonely and tense? Swapping backrubs with a buddy you haven't seen in almost a year while you watch Futurama is not a bad plan of attack. Left alone in the late afternoon and too self-conscious to go eat dinner alone? The Boston Harbor Walk is not a bad place to spend some of that rare treat of not being directly responsible for everyone else's dinner. Sitting beside the harbor, the sea air and steady ambient sounds, more details to discern with every minute, it was VERY good for the soul. The only small downside was that I had neither sketchbook nor notepad with me. Next time I will go better prepared.
That walk from the Aquarium to Battery Wharf and back to Lewis Wharf, with warm clear air and a gentle sea breeze... is something I highly recommend.

Spending time with people... the most difficult part for me to arrange... worked out well. Wednesday nights are not the easiest for me to get away from the house, BUT it happens to be the night that a group of artists is all but guaranteed to be out in Lowell. For many reasons I'm not comfortable going out to places at night all alone. Sometimes men can be dangerous assholes. Often if I'm alone that person whom everyone is avoiding will latch on to me at the same moment my meal/drink/requested song arrives. Or, because I  am less comfortable in my own skin than I used to be, I will be without any conversation the entire time I'm at a bar/club. So I have copped out to only going places where I already know at least one person there or have been invited by someone performing.

Artists are as interesting and layered as their art. This makes friends who are artists especially fun in my world. Even my very quiet low-key girls I grew up with. There are those who's sight reaches only as far as the end of their arms, unaware of what is blatantly obvious to everyone else. Others have the quiet cunning instincts of the ever-vigilant Magpie, seeing even the tiniest glints here and there, catching the words between the words. Those who pay attention to detail wherever they are as gathering experiences for a portfolio to be able to pull out of their pocket decades from now. Artists are adults, children, crazy and very human. It was good to be a part of a group for a while. Great to be able to have conversations informally over music. Nice to be able to people watch in the lulls but not have that be the bulk of the evening. Refreshing to laugh, truly laugh. Funny to be loudly bantering over nothing in the middle of the night because apparently your comment brings to mind a song that they think you really must go hear at that moment. A perfect night to walk around in every way.

Stop Making Me Share!

I was reminded again tonight why I need a studio/ can not do anything artistic at home:

My son doesn't register personal space when he's interested in what I'm doing, and, more hindering is that he wants me to share whatever supplies I'm using at the moment, at that moment.

As I'm sure you've gathered, I am not a great example of patience...
so the annoyance  of leaning on my drawing arm AS I'M DRAWING is NOT quelled by the sweet "I love that Mama, now my turn."

Once he's in bed, it's all cute and all, but seriously, trying to hash out an idea at home to make studio time more productive isn't as productive as it should be!

... of course... I have to share my studio too... which isn't perfect either... but there the price is right!

PMI

Whenever we were stuck for thoughts or didn't want to speak in class, one of my teachers I considered a mentor use to make us do "PMIs". Plus, Minus & Interesting.

Plus: I am grateful that my migraines have disappeared with the removal of my thyroid. (I've had headaches since, but a full month migraine free! *happy dance*)

Minus: Neighbors upstairs have woke me at 530am (with the non-rhythmic thunder of what we can only assume is their great dane mix scrambling after some toy for 30 minutes...)

Interesting: Having my living area actually clean (paid a teen to help out yesterday.) has really disappated much of my stress. My bedroom is the only mess left... and it's horribly messy... but as long as I stay clear of my bedroom I feel much less tension.

okay... I have 2 more minutes to spend before lunch is ready so here's an artistic one:

Plus: I've spent 20 minutes sketching today.

Minus: I decided to practice cartoonish people... which I'm NOT good at.

Interesting: I still have my "artist's block" today too. Apparently cartoon people is my default thought.

Still Alive... and annoyed. (so this is a rant)

Another day, another scar.
Since my last post I've had my thyroid removed. I have a wonderful ENT surgeon who was more concerned with decreasing my existing scar at the site than I was about the appearance of my scars en total. This, is an awesome thing. It means not only did he make sure I was overly aware of all the risks and what surgery means and how it changes my life, but he took care to do the least harm and best job possible.

I am more physically restricted than he prepares one for, but having had a smaller surgery at basically the same site I had a better idea than he did of what my level of restriction/lift restriction/ range of motion would be.

As a mother, it's difficult to be patient with my body as it heals. I really want my apartment clean and heaven knows my husband ain't gonna clean it. I want to play and wrestle on the floor and teach my boy t-ball... and I can't do that really yet either. I start to offer piggyback rides every other day only to remember that I can't... I have to turn down some of my son's overzealous hugs/attacks/silliness/games.

As an artist, the readjustment that my body is going through chemically is draining. I'm tired a lot and can't envision projects at the moment. Not my usual "ADD struggling to keep the vision in my head long enough to get it all down" battle with myself that I'm used to, but more of something akin to writer's block with a touch of apathy. Apathy sucks.

As a person, most medical battles really suck. It is tough from a medical side sometimes, sifting through the info, making time to go have bloodwork drawn or go to appointments, but having to battle other people is a ridiculous add-on. When you want to play something down people say stupid shit that they wouldn't say if they knew the whole story. When you tell people the whole story they act pitiful and either make you feel bad that you told them because they are now sad or you get angry because you don't want pity you simply didn't want them to say the same stupid thing you've heard 10 times already.

Yes people, you kinda need a thyroid. When you have it removed you take a daily pharmaceutical replacement. It's not really that foreign of a concept in this day and age! When you ask me "Did it HAVE to be removed?" and you're over the age of 20 I'm going to assume you're an idiot. You wouldn't have an organ that helps regulate your entire body removed if there wasn't a problem. No matter how long I've known a person, if they ask me that particular question I am assuming that they have a low IQ and somehow got to this point of their lives based on their looks or giving great sexual favors. I understand people's curiosity, really I do, but PLEASE take a note from your kids. Kids about 10 years old are more likely to ask me well worded relevant questions than the adults.
The question isn't "It wasn't cancerous, was it?". The question is "Why did you have it removed?"
The question isn't "Did it hurt?", the question is "Does it still hurt?"
Don't ask me "Was there another way?" Ask me "How long did you know about it before surgery?"
Dear Lord, stop saying "Well, at least you don't live alone!" and listen to the kids who say "I guess your son has to pick up his own toys now, huh?" (and by the way, he still doesn't half the time, but he's only 3.)
When I tell you I have a 5 pound lift restriction, be smart enough to realize I live with a child who weighs 6 times that before thinking I am back to doing everything.
If you ask me if it was cancerous and I say yes, don't look panic stricken like I'm gonna drop dead at any moment.
If you ask me if it was cancerous and I say no, don't then pretend I didn't have surgery at all and suddenly am feigning my limitations.
When I tell you, in truth, that one or two tiny goiters are very common, but I had 9 large ones, don't tell me "Oh that can't be right." (Apparently, somehow, if I had had 9 everyone in the world would've heard about it, so I had to be lying.)


This reminds me very much of another situation people are stupid about - learning about a person's miscarriage. I hear other people say things and I just want to take them aside and say "Did you hear what you just said to her?!?!" Seriously, how is telling someone "It wasn't meant to be" suppose to be helpful? Or worse, "You can always try again." Really people? You're basically telling this person that whatever they are going through at the moment doesn't matter. Not only that, but trying again doesn't ensure that poor person doesn't go through heartache and physical mess again. I hear less common, VERY wrong things being said too... but I am astounded by the most common idiot things society seems to breed.
There is no need for the shit that we say to people in uncomfortable situations. (I say stupid things when a person's parent is in the hospital - so I'm not without fault.) Really all we need to say, 90% of the time is "That sucks that you're going through that right now. I hope things get better." And, if you truly have time and will follow through (ONLY if you have time and will follow through) "Is there anything I can do for you that is helpful?"

Oh, and the next person who asks me if (or worse, when) I'm going to have a second child should really REALLY watch out. First, I JUST HAD SURGERY YOU DUMB F*&(^%. Second, unless you're my son's grandparents, it is absolutely 100% NONE of YOUR BUSINESS! How did asking a woman if she's going to have more children become as common a topic as the weather?!?!
It is rude to be asked that question:
-by anyone within a month of having major surgery
-by someone you haven't seen in 6 years, within the first 2 minutes of talking to them
-by an elderly lady you don't know
-by your son's friend's mother who also has only one child
-by your neighbor, who you already gave an honest answer to, twice, last month
- by someone you grew up with, chat with occasionally online but haven't actually seen in over a decade.
And here's some more that haven't happened in the past 7 days:
-by anyone who doesn't know your full name
-by anyone you haven't physically seen in over a decade
-by anyone too old to be your older brother/sister
-by anyone you've already answered that question for within the last 2 years (this includes parents)