I think the past week has been about me hitting the reset button...
I'm just a little slow in realizing that only now.
The surgery put my body into a chemical reboot. Let me tell you - THAT can be quite the silent, invisible roller-coaster! There comes a downside to being kinetically self-aware... you're impatient with changes because you're ultimately a little more aware of the process than others are. Insomnia then lethargy then a manic day... wasn't quite so fun but luckily the pendulum has lost momentum.
I've (understandably) been tensed, wound-up and feeling isolated since my surgery. My energy and physical restrictions while in recovery had me home a bit too much... cabin fever can happen anytime, even in sunny June! So.. now that I'm a bit better time to be the real me and do something to solve the problem!
Accomplish things, find a center, spend time with people. (and clean what you can). It's helped.
Had I not lost the sketch book, I got some ideas down & worked through. I got the first of a flame painting series done while waiting in my studio for the electrician.
I got out of my cluttered apartment and my dusty studio, both of which make me feel guilty for doing anything over cleaning, and went into Boston for an afternoon. I had hoped one of my friends in the city would be available for dinner at the Oyster House, but settled for catching up with one for a few hours and walking around for a long time instead. Lonely and tense? Swapping backrubs with a buddy you haven't seen in almost a year while you watch Futurama is not a bad plan of attack. Left alone in the late afternoon and too self-conscious to go eat dinner alone? The Boston Harbor Walk is not a bad place to spend some of that rare treat of not being directly responsible for everyone else's dinner. Sitting beside the harbor, the sea air and steady ambient sounds, more details to discern with every minute, it was VERY good for the soul. The only small downside was that I had neither sketchbook nor notepad with me. Next time I will go better prepared.
That walk from the Aquarium to Battery Wharf and back to Lewis Wharf, with warm clear air and a gentle sea breeze... is something I highly recommend.
Spending time with people... the most difficult part for me to arrange... worked out well. Wednesday nights are not the easiest for me to get away from the house, BUT it happens to be the night that a group of artists is all but guaranteed to be out in Lowell. For many reasons I'm not comfortable going out to places at night all alone. Sometimes men can be dangerous assholes. Often if I'm alone that person whom everyone is avoiding will latch on to me at the same moment my meal/drink/requested song arrives. Or, because I am less comfortable in my own skin than I used to be, I will be without any conversation the entire time I'm at a bar/club. So I have copped out to only going places where I already know at least one person there or have been invited by someone performing.
Artists are as interesting and layered as their art. This makes friends who are artists especially fun in my world. Even my very quiet low-key girls I grew up with. There are those who's sight reaches only as far as the end of their arms, unaware of what is blatantly obvious to everyone else. Others have the quiet cunning instincts of the ever-vigilant Magpie, seeing even the tiniest glints here and there, catching the words between the words. Those who pay attention to detail wherever they are as gathering experiences for a portfolio to be able to pull out of their pocket decades from now. Artists are adults, children, crazy and very human. It was good to be a part of a group for a while. Great to be able to have conversations informally over music. Nice to be able to people watch in the lulls but not have that be the bulk of the evening. Refreshing to laugh, truly laugh. Funny to be loudly bantering over nothing in the middle of the night because apparently your comment brings to mind a song that they think you really must go hear at that moment. A perfect night to walk around in every way.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Stop Making Me Share!
I was reminded again tonight why I need a studio/ can not do anything artistic at home:
My son doesn't register personal space when he's interested in what I'm doing, and, more hindering is that he wants me to share whatever supplies I'm using at the moment, at that moment.
As I'm sure you've gathered, I am not a great example of patience...
so the annoyance of leaning on my drawing arm AS I'M DRAWING is NOT quelled by the sweet "I love that Mama, now my turn."
Once he's in bed, it's all cute and all, but seriously, trying to hash out an idea at home to make studio time more productive isn't as productive as it should be!
... of course... I have to share my studio too... which isn't perfect either... but there the price is right!
My son doesn't register personal space when he's interested in what I'm doing, and, more hindering is that he wants me to share whatever supplies I'm using at the moment, at that moment.
As I'm sure you've gathered, I am not a great example of patience...
so the annoyance of leaning on my drawing arm AS I'M DRAWING is NOT quelled by the sweet "I love that Mama, now my turn."
Once he's in bed, it's all cute and all, but seriously, trying to hash out an idea at home to make studio time more productive isn't as productive as it should be!
... of course... I have to share my studio too... which isn't perfect either... but there the price is right!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
PMI
Whenever we were stuck for thoughts or didn't want to speak in class, one of my teachers I considered a mentor use to make us do "PMIs". Plus, Minus & Interesting.
Plus: I am grateful that my migraines have disappeared with the removal of my thyroid. (I've had headaches since, but a full month migraine free! *happy dance*)
Minus: Neighbors upstairs have woke me at 530am (with the non-rhythmic thunder of what we can only assume is their great dane mix scrambling after some toy for 30 minutes...)
Interesting: Having my living area actually clean (paid a teen to help out yesterday.) has really disappated much of my stress. My bedroom is the only mess left... and it's horribly messy... but as long as I stay clear of my bedroom I feel much less tension.
okay... I have 2 more minutes to spend before lunch is ready so here's an artistic one:
Plus: I've spent 20 minutes sketching today.
Minus: I decided to practice cartoonish people... which I'm NOT good at.
Interesting: I still have my "artist's block" today too. Apparently cartoon people is my default thought.
Plus: I am grateful that my migraines have disappeared with the removal of my thyroid. (I've had headaches since, but a full month migraine free! *happy dance*)
Minus: Neighbors upstairs have woke me at 530am (with the non-rhythmic thunder of what we can only assume is their great dane mix scrambling after some toy for 30 minutes...)
Interesting: Having my living area actually clean (paid a teen to help out yesterday.) has really disappated much of my stress. My bedroom is the only mess left... and it's horribly messy... but as long as I stay clear of my bedroom I feel much less tension.
okay... I have 2 more minutes to spend before lunch is ready so here's an artistic one:
Plus: I've spent 20 minutes sketching today.
Minus: I decided to practice cartoonish people... which I'm NOT good at.
Interesting: I still have my "artist's block" today too. Apparently cartoon people is my default thought.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Still Alive... and annoyed. (so this is a rant)
Another day, another scar.
Since my last post I've had my thyroid removed. I have a wonderful ENT surgeon who was more concerned with decreasing my existing scar at the site than I was about the appearance of my scars en total. This, is an awesome thing. It means not only did he make sure I was overly aware of all the risks and what surgery means and how it changes my life, but he took care to do the least harm and best job possible.
I am more physically restricted than he prepares one for, but having had a smaller surgery at basically the same site I had a better idea than he did of what my level of restriction/lift restriction/ range of motion would be.
As a mother, it's difficult to be patient with my body as it heals. I really want my apartment clean and heaven knows my husband ain't gonna clean it. I want to play and wrestle on the floor and teach my boy t-ball... and I can't do that really yet either. I start to offer piggyback rides every other day only to remember that I can't... I have to turn down some of my son's overzealous hugs/attacks/silliness/games.
As an artist, the readjustment that my body is going through chemically is draining. I'm tired a lot and can't envision projects at the moment. Not my usual "ADD struggling to keep the vision in my head long enough to get it all down" battle with myself that I'm used to, but more of something akin to writer's block with a touch of apathy. Apathy sucks.
As a person, most medical battles really suck. It is tough from a medical side sometimes, sifting through the info, making time to go have bloodwork drawn or go to appointments, but having to battle other people is a ridiculous add-on. When you want to play something down people say stupid shit that they wouldn't say if they knew the whole story. When you tell people the whole story they act pitiful and either make you feel bad that you told them because they are now sad or you get angry because you don't want pity you simply didn't want them to say the same stupid thing you've heard 10 times already.
Yes people, you kinda need a thyroid. When you have it removed you take a daily pharmaceutical replacement. It's not really that foreign of a concept in this day and age! When you ask me "Did it HAVE to be removed?" and you're over the age of 20 I'm going to assume you're an idiot. You wouldn't have an organ that helps regulate your entire body removed if there wasn't a problem. No matter how long I've known a person, if they ask me that particular question I am assuming that they have a low IQ and somehow got to this point of their lives based on their looks or giving great sexual favors. I understand people's curiosity, really I do, but PLEASE take a note from your kids. Kids about 10 years old are more likely to ask me well worded relevant questions than the adults.
The question isn't "It wasn't cancerous, was it?". The question is "Why did you have it removed?"
The question isn't "Did it hurt?", the question is "Does it still hurt?"
Don't ask me "Was there another way?" Ask me "How long did you know about it before surgery?"
Dear Lord, stop saying "Well, at least you don't live alone!" and listen to the kids who say "I guess your son has to pick up his own toys now, huh?" (and by the way, he still doesn't half the time, but he's only 3.)
When I tell you I have a 5 pound lift restriction, be smart enough to realize I live with a child who weighs 6 times that before thinking I am back to doing everything.
If you ask me if it was cancerous and I say yes, don't look panic stricken like I'm gonna drop dead at any moment.
If you ask me if it was cancerous and I say no, don't then pretend I didn't have surgery at all and suddenly am feigning my limitations.
When I tell you, in truth, that one or two tiny goiters are very common, but I had 9 large ones, don't tell me "Oh that can't be right." (Apparently, somehow, if I had had 9 everyone in the world would've heard about it, so I had to be lying.)
This reminds me very much of another situation people are stupid about - learning about a person's miscarriage. I hear other people say things and I just want to take them aside and say "Did you hear what you just said to her?!?!" Seriously, how is telling someone "It wasn't meant to be" suppose to be helpful? Or worse, "You can always try again." Really people? You're basically telling this person that whatever they are going through at the moment doesn't matter. Not only that, but trying again doesn't ensure that poor person doesn't go through heartache and physical mess again. I hear less common, VERY wrong things being said too... but I am astounded by the most common idiot things society seems to breed.
There is no need for the shit that we say to people in uncomfortable situations. (I say stupid things when a person's parent is in the hospital - so I'm not without fault.) Really all we need to say, 90% of the time is "That sucks that you're going through that right now. I hope things get better." And, if you truly have time and will follow through (ONLY if you have time and will follow through) "Is there anything I can do for you that is helpful?"
Oh, and the next person who asks me if (or worse, when) I'm going to have a second child should really REALLY watch out. First, I JUST HAD SURGERY YOU DUMB F*&(^%. Second, unless you're my son's grandparents, it is absolutely 100% NONE of YOUR BUSINESS! How did asking a woman if she's going to have more children become as common a topic as the weather?!?!
It is rude to be asked that question:
-by anyone within a month of having major surgery
-by someone you haven't seen in 6 years, within the first 2 minutes of talking to them
-by an elderly lady you don't know
-by your son's friend's mother who also has only one child
-by your neighbor, who you already gave an honest answer to, twice, last month
- by someone you grew up with, chat with occasionally online but haven't actually seen in over a decade.
And here's some more that haven't happened in the past 7 days:
-by anyone who doesn't know your full name
-by anyone you haven't physically seen in over a decade
-by anyone too old to be your older brother/sister
-by anyone you've already answered that question for within the last 2 years (this includes parents)
Since my last post I've had my thyroid removed. I have a wonderful ENT surgeon who was more concerned with decreasing my existing scar at the site than I was about the appearance of my scars en total. This, is an awesome thing. It means not only did he make sure I was overly aware of all the risks and what surgery means and how it changes my life, but he took care to do the least harm and best job possible.
I am more physically restricted than he prepares one for, but having had a smaller surgery at basically the same site I had a better idea than he did of what my level of restriction/lift restriction/ range of motion would be.
As a mother, it's difficult to be patient with my body as it heals. I really want my apartment clean and heaven knows my husband ain't gonna clean it. I want to play and wrestle on the floor and teach my boy t-ball... and I can't do that really yet either. I start to offer piggyback rides every other day only to remember that I can't... I have to turn down some of my son's overzealous hugs/attacks/silliness/games.
As an artist, the readjustment that my body is going through chemically is draining. I'm tired a lot and can't envision projects at the moment. Not my usual "ADD struggling to keep the vision in my head long enough to get it all down" battle with myself that I'm used to, but more of something akin to writer's block with a touch of apathy. Apathy sucks.
As a person, most medical battles really suck. It is tough from a medical side sometimes, sifting through the info, making time to go have bloodwork drawn or go to appointments, but having to battle other people is a ridiculous add-on. When you want to play something down people say stupid shit that they wouldn't say if they knew the whole story. When you tell people the whole story they act pitiful and either make you feel bad that you told them because they are now sad or you get angry because you don't want pity you simply didn't want them to say the same stupid thing you've heard 10 times already.
Yes people, you kinda need a thyroid. When you have it removed you take a daily pharmaceutical replacement. It's not really that foreign of a concept in this day and age! When you ask me "Did it HAVE to be removed?" and you're over the age of 20 I'm going to assume you're an idiot. You wouldn't have an organ that helps regulate your entire body removed if there wasn't a problem. No matter how long I've known a person, if they ask me that particular question I am assuming that they have a low IQ and somehow got to this point of their lives based on their looks or giving great sexual favors. I understand people's curiosity, really I do, but PLEASE take a note from your kids. Kids about 10 years old are more likely to ask me well worded relevant questions than the adults.
The question isn't "It wasn't cancerous, was it?". The question is "Why did you have it removed?"
The question isn't "Did it hurt?", the question is "Does it still hurt?"
Don't ask me "Was there another way?" Ask me "How long did you know about it before surgery?"
Dear Lord, stop saying "Well, at least you don't live alone!" and listen to the kids who say "I guess your son has to pick up his own toys now, huh?" (and by the way, he still doesn't half the time, but he's only 3.)
When I tell you I have a 5 pound lift restriction, be smart enough to realize I live with a child who weighs 6 times that before thinking I am back to doing everything.
If you ask me if it was cancerous and I say yes, don't look panic stricken like I'm gonna drop dead at any moment.
If you ask me if it was cancerous and I say no, don't then pretend I didn't have surgery at all and suddenly am feigning my limitations.
When I tell you, in truth, that one or two tiny goiters are very common, but I had 9 large ones, don't tell me "Oh that can't be right." (Apparently, somehow, if I had had 9 everyone in the world would've heard about it, so I had to be lying.)
This reminds me very much of another situation people are stupid about - learning about a person's miscarriage. I hear other people say things and I just want to take them aside and say "Did you hear what you just said to her?!?!" Seriously, how is telling someone "It wasn't meant to be" suppose to be helpful? Or worse, "You can always try again." Really people? You're basically telling this person that whatever they are going through at the moment doesn't matter. Not only that, but trying again doesn't ensure that poor person doesn't go through heartache and physical mess again. I hear less common, VERY wrong things being said too... but I am astounded by the most common idiot things society seems to breed.
There is no need for the shit that we say to people in uncomfortable situations. (I say stupid things when a person's parent is in the hospital - so I'm not without fault.) Really all we need to say, 90% of the time is "That sucks that you're going through that right now. I hope things get better." And, if you truly have time and will follow through (ONLY if you have time and will follow through) "Is there anything I can do for you that is helpful?"
Oh, and the next person who asks me if (or worse, when) I'm going to have a second child should really REALLY watch out. First, I JUST HAD SURGERY YOU DUMB F*&(^%. Second, unless you're my son's grandparents, it is absolutely 100% NONE of YOUR BUSINESS! How did asking a woman if she's going to have more children become as common a topic as the weather?!?!
It is rude to be asked that question:
-by anyone within a month of having major surgery
-by someone you haven't seen in 6 years, within the first 2 minutes of talking to them
-by an elderly lady you don't know
-by your son's friend's mother who also has only one child
-by your neighbor, who you already gave an honest answer to, twice, last month
- by someone you grew up with, chat with occasionally online but haven't actually seen in over a decade.
And here's some more that haven't happened in the past 7 days:
-by anyone who doesn't know your full name
-by anyone you haven't physically seen in over a decade
-by anyone too old to be your older brother/sister
-by anyone you've already answered that question for within the last 2 years (this includes parents)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sold!
I sold a piece this past Saturday during Open Studios! yay!
A 8 by 14 print of my Magpie watercolor. WooHoo! Hooray for Mother's Day gift giving for a change! (He bought it for his grandmother :-) Which amuses me)
A 8 by 14 print of my Magpie watercolor. WooHoo! Hooray for Mother's Day gift giving for a change! (He bought it for his grandmother :-) Which amuses me)
This is a scan of the image that was bought.
Just in case you're curious, it's annoying to try and paint iridescent feathers with watercolor!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
So after that very "mommy" post I must, for my own good, post SOMETHING art related...
and if it's going to be art related it might as well be related to MY OWN ART!
So, please let me know what you think of the following watercolor.
I think the few people in my life who have seen it see me in person too often to tell me when they don't like my work (and other than my husband, they don't know how much I appreciate truth over accolades). So - you out there - yes, YOU! Please leave me a comment about the watercolor. Thanks ~K
and if it's going to be art related it might as well be related to MY OWN ART!
So, please let me know what you think of the following watercolor.
I think the few people in my life who have seen it see me in person too often to tell me when they don't like my work (and other than my husband, they don't know how much I appreciate truth over accolades). So - you out there - yes, YOU! Please leave me a comment about the watercolor. Thanks ~K
Oh no... not me too!
I started this blog specifically NOT to be a "mommy blog".
Frankly, to be baldly honest, there are far too many out there.
The vast majority are written in language more befitting a private online journal than in any other fashion. There ARE wonderful gems out there, women (and men!) with wonderful written voices that take you into their lives in humorous and/or gut-wrenching imagery with which novels are made. I, however, honestly couldn't put my life, my motherhood, in eloquent terms. The heinous hair-pulling screaming my son has taken to when he's tired... I have no words to let another feel how bone-splitting it can be and how completely hollow I am after 10 minutes of it. I will never feel able to do justice to the wonderful humor, infectious laugh, innate coy looks.... all the wonderful joyous soulful things my child is and does that fortify me against the woes of my life as an adult and the onslaught of craziness that comes with parenthood. Those of you out there who can - bravo! Encore! You are wonderful and I hope you continue to water & feed your blog throughout your childrens' lives. The rest of you, who keep an open blog for the grandparents because somehow that's less work for you than writing them an email...
I hope you call your in-laws and parents. More over, I hope that when your children are old enough you let your children use the phone to talk to their grandparents, uncles, aunts etc etc. One of my greatest joys is in taking back my phone from my son when he has been talking with MY grandmother, only to have her repeat what he said (double-checking) and realize she understands his garbled, excited must-take-you-on-a-tour-of-my-house speech. My heart swells with pride for both of them at that moment.
Through this ridiculousness with our neighbor, my stress over my upcoming surgery, my heart-crushing mood drops, my son has done all he can to put off wearing underwear. His Pull-Ups have been more comfortable and he screams so strong for so long that it gives me a migraine when I've tried single-handed to force him. I say "single-handed" because honestly, even at only 30 pounds he's able to knock me off balance and contort himself incredibly against my adult self. Tonight I won... with a lot of help from my husband between his jobs. I physically CAN NOT hold my child while he screams for any length of time. I've tried, I've done it when he's crying in pain or fear, but I pay too high a price to do so for tantrums. (A migraine causing other pains and dry-heaves). So, after wrestling on his dinosaur underwear (with a hand from my husband) the screaming and stomping continued. Just when I was about to cave from the sheer weight of the noise I turn to see my husband cuddling him WHILE the boy's still carrying on. Cuddled him until he was done yelling & contorting. Being calm and patient in a way someone with a headache problem/disorder triggered by noise simply can not do. It did it. Boy was wearing underwear. Boy wore underwear for his walk, for a trip to the mall for new pants (he wore holes through a pair this week), through reading a story and drawing... all the way until his bath time without accidents. There are two unaccomplished goals before my surgery that I haven't marked off yet - getting my bedroom truly clean & tidy and having my son completely out of diapers. Now I feel much closer to the second being accomplished. My husband doing something I can not do has made my evening... and he has neither the understanding that I am unable to handle that scream like he can nor the slightest clue how much he helped me out.
I'll tell him & thank him ... if he gets home before I fall asleep!
BTW, I did get 7 out of 8 new art pieces completed so far and I still have 2 weeks to finish any of the 4 started to have my 8 in 8 weeks goal reached. I've marked it off my list because I am so very close and I'm impatient to have my list done and this is the only thing on my list I alone control ;)
Frankly, to be baldly honest, there are far too many out there.
The vast majority are written in language more befitting a private online journal than in any other fashion. There ARE wonderful gems out there, women (and men!) with wonderful written voices that take you into their lives in humorous and/or gut-wrenching imagery with which novels are made. I, however, honestly couldn't put my life, my motherhood, in eloquent terms. The heinous hair-pulling screaming my son has taken to when he's tired... I have no words to let another feel how bone-splitting it can be and how completely hollow I am after 10 minutes of it. I will never feel able to do justice to the wonderful humor, infectious laugh, innate coy looks.... all the wonderful joyous soulful things my child is and does that fortify me against the woes of my life as an adult and the onslaught of craziness that comes with parenthood. Those of you out there who can - bravo! Encore! You are wonderful and I hope you continue to water & feed your blog throughout your childrens' lives. The rest of you, who keep an open blog for the grandparents because somehow that's less work for you than writing them an email...
I hope you call your in-laws and parents. More over, I hope that when your children are old enough you let your children use the phone to talk to their grandparents, uncles, aunts etc etc. One of my greatest joys is in taking back my phone from my son when he has been talking with MY grandmother, only to have her repeat what he said (double-checking) and realize she understands his garbled, excited must-take-you-on-a-tour-of-my-house speech. My heart swells with pride for both of them at that moment.
Through this ridiculousness with our neighbor, my stress over my upcoming surgery, my heart-crushing mood drops, my son has done all he can to put off wearing underwear. His Pull-Ups have been more comfortable and he screams so strong for so long that it gives me a migraine when I've tried single-handed to force him. I say "single-handed" because honestly, even at only 30 pounds he's able to knock me off balance and contort himself incredibly against my adult self. Tonight I won... with a lot of help from my husband between his jobs. I physically CAN NOT hold my child while he screams for any length of time. I've tried, I've done it when he's crying in pain or fear, but I pay too high a price to do so for tantrums. (A migraine causing other pains and dry-heaves). So, after wrestling on his dinosaur underwear (with a hand from my husband) the screaming and stomping continued. Just when I was about to cave from the sheer weight of the noise I turn to see my husband cuddling him WHILE the boy's still carrying on. Cuddled him until he was done yelling & contorting. Being calm and patient in a way someone with a headache problem/disorder triggered by noise simply can not do. It did it. Boy was wearing underwear. Boy wore underwear for his walk, for a trip to the mall for new pants (he wore holes through a pair this week), through reading a story and drawing... all the way until his bath time without accidents. There are two unaccomplished goals before my surgery that I haven't marked off yet - getting my bedroom truly clean & tidy and having my son completely out of diapers. Now I feel much closer to the second being accomplished. My husband doing something I can not do has made my evening... and he has neither the understanding that I am unable to handle that scream like he can nor the slightest clue how much he helped me out.
I'll tell him & thank him ... if he gets home before I fall asleep!
BTW, I did get 7 out of 8 new art pieces completed so far and I still have 2 weeks to finish any of the 4 started to have my 8 in 8 weeks goal reached. I've marked it off my list because I am so very close and I'm impatient to have my list done and this is the only thing on my list I alone control ;)
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